At a wrestling camp my senior year of high school, Tom Brands, who was an assistant coach at the University of Iowa at the time, said something to a group of wrestlers, one of which was me, that has stuck with me ever since.
He held up his left hand and with his right index finger he touched the tip of all four of his fingers and his thumb. He then said, "In this life, you will find that you have more fingers on one hand than you do true friends."
At the time I thought what he said was a bit asinine as well as pessimistic. I certainly had at least five friends in life. Hell, I had a lot more.
Here I am nearly 13 years later and I've discovered that Coach Brands wasn't nearly as senile as I originally thought. Turns out that he knew a little more about the situation than I initially thought.
I do have more fingers on one hand than I do people in this life who I know for a fact are real, true friends. I would like to know when it came down to the wire that I had more true friends than that, but I don't feel as confident about it as I once did. There are about 3 to 5 people in this life that I feel very confident putting on that list. The rest, I have my questions. I even have my doubts.
I've found as I've gotten older, that I don't like people as much as I once did. I still like people, don't get me wrong. I simply don't trust them like I used to. I've discovered how bigoted, narcissistic, and mean spirited people are. It's discerning and discouraging. I used to enjoy going out and meeting new people, making new friends and discovering people. I suppose I still do, but now I'm much more reserved and I make people approach me, before I dare think about trying to make a new friend.
From age 18-21 I went through some life altering moments that completely changed how I saw life and who I am. In June of 2007 I made the internal discovery that I was no longer a Christian. I lost a lot of "friends" during that time. For the most part it didn't bother me, but there were a few people who left my life, never to return again, that did bother me. For those that remained my friend, it strengthened our friendship, at least from my point of view. I have a ton of admiration and respect for someone who chooses to remain someone's friend, who may think differently than they do.
Because most people don't.....
Most people want everyone that they associate with to think like they do, believe like they do, act like they do and feel like they do. And maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm the one with the problem and that is how it's supposed to be. Maybe I'm screwed up because I'm not playing the game by the rules, the way it is "meant" to be played.
But I can't do that, because I don't agree with it. I think it's wrong. I think it's sick. I think it's a reflection of a society that needs a serious attitude readjustment.
You know why I dislike people? You know why I choose to stop being friends with someone? Because of something unforgivable that they do to me. For something they do to me personally. If you haven't hurt me on a personal level, then you have to do one of the following. You have to treat someone I care about very poorly or you have to be a miserable, mean individual in general. If you're abusive towards children or animals, I'm not going to like you either.
I won't like you for legitimate, justifiable reasons.
I'm not going to hate you just because you vote differently than me. I'm not going to hate you, because you spend your Sunday mornings differently than I spend mine.
A lot of people will though.
And yes, it bothers me.
There are people I've known for 20 years. Some 25. I'm only 31, so I can't know someone for much longer than that. These are people I would go as far to say that I love. These are people that if they were drowning in rough waters, I'd jump in and try and save them. If they were trapped in a burning building, I'd run in and try and save them. If they were going to get jumped in an unfair fight, I'd jump in and even up the odds.
And to know that they would let me drown, let me burn, let me get the tar kicked out of me, all because they've voting for Trump and I"m not or because they're voting for Hillary and I"m not....makes me sick.
To know that they'd turn their back on me, 25 years of friendship, 25 years of happy, fond memories of having each other's backs and sharing some good...great times...they'd forget about all of that, all because they're a Christian and I'm not. That is very depressing. It makes me want to lock myself up in my room, and forget that the outside world even exist.
And it works both ways. Don't think for a second I'm disillusioned about that, because I'm not.
I know good and well if something monumental were to happen in my life, and I were to become a Christian, that there are a far number of "friends" I've made over the years, that would leave my life. People who like me and like me only because I'm an agnostic.
If for some reason, I were to suddenly become a conservative and start leaning more towards Republican ideas, I'd lose a lot "friends". A lot of people can't handle associating with people who don't think, act, believe and feel exactly like they do.
Matter of fact, it has happened to me already. I'm not nearly as liberal as many people believe me to be. It's simply a matter that civil issues and liberty mean everything to me. I value liberty above anything else, and I am a ball of burning fire whenever someone tries to rob anyone unjustly of their liberty. As a result, that gives me the appearance of being very liberal.
Yet, don't kid yourself. I've lost just as many Hillary Clinton supporter friends this past election time as I have Republican supporter friends.
People often ask me why am I friends with people who are Republican and Christian. It's very simple. As odd as it may sound, if you take the time to think about it, it makes perfect since. They're ones, I know for sure are real. They don't associate with me, just because I'm a Bernie Sanders fan. They don't associate with me, just because I'm not a Christian.
I think I'm most likely to remain an agnostic the rest of my life. I imagine that politicians like Bernie Sanders will always appeal to me and that politicians like Paul Ryan and Ben Carson will always scare the Hell out of me. I suppose a Ron or Rand Paul could come along again and you could see me supporting someone on the other side like that.
Frankly it scares me, it terrifies me to sit and wonder about it. Is there anyone that I'm really close with right now. Anyone that I value highly and consider to be a great friend that would leave me in the dust?
Unfortunately I think the answer to the question is yes. It happened to me before. There are people 5-10-15 years ago I thought I'd be friends with....GOOD friends with....till the day I died.
We never got into a fight. I never did anything nasty and unforgivable to them. They never did anything nasty and unforgivable to me. It was simply that they were going to vote for Romney and found out that I was voting for Obama. It's simply that they found out that I no longer identify as a Christian and now identify as a Possiblist/Agnostic.
I often use the word wish for things that I understand won't change. For things I know that there is little to nothing I can do anything about. For things I know will never be.
I wish I could sing. I wish I was a high school state champion wrestler. And I wish that people in this life weren't that way.
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