Woof in Britches

It was early Saturday morning, damn early.  Too damn early to be specific.  So God damned early in the morning, that by the time I arrived on the scene at 12:01 a.m., it still felt like Friday Night.   There the dog, pants, boots and all laid on the ground, passed out from whatever alcoholic contraption it had been given.

"The concert is in less than 13 hours, and my number one act is passed out drunk!!" Hugh Don VeeDee, who most everyone around Purple Town knew as just VeeDee was going hysterical.   Years ago, he had came up with an idea to have an all animal talent show at Southeastern, the local college in Purple Town.   It was a huge hit amongst the town, having over 2,500 people show up year in and year out.  While people would come from all over to participate in the event known simply as "Mush",  it was VeeDee himself who had the greatest act, or at least that's what he'd tell you.   He trained his dog, Woof, to put on a pair of pants, along with a pair of boots and dance as he sang songs about himself, dedicated to himself.    VeeDee called the act, "Woof in Britches"

"Detective!" VeeDee yelled at me as Doc Parker,  the local vet, examined the passed out dog, "It's about high time you got here!"

VeeDee wasn't exactly known for his patience.  I had gotten the call from my superior about 11:50, and was told that someone had gotten VeeDee's dog plastered drunk and that I was to go out and investigate it.   It only  took me 11 minutes to arrive at the scene, but you'd have thought I'd have taken all day. 

"Whoever did this to woof" he demanded loudly, "I want found and brought to justice immediately!"

"Do you have any idea who would possibly want to get him drunk like this?" I asked trying to get a lead on some possible suspects.

"Who would want to do this?!?!" VeeDee laughed mockingly, "more like who wouldn't want to do this?  I run the most successful animal talent show in town, in the country, on this earth,  if they have animal talent shows on other planets, in the whole damned world!  No one can beat 'Woof in Britches'  He has been judged as first place ever since the conception of Mush."

I thought to myself that perhaps the reason why VeeDee's act "Woof in Britches" continuously received first place was because VeeDee did the judging himself.     The act was good, but there were other acts that I felt were just as good.  Yet those acts could take all of the silver and bronze medals in the world, the gold always went to "Woof in Britches"

"So you think it could have been any of the other contestants?" I asked writing down some notes on my notepad.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they all conspired to give my dog alcohol and put him in a position to where he couldn't compete" VeeDee was very sure of himself on his assertion.

"You want me to question all 99 of the other participants?" I asked as VeeDee took out a dog biscuit from his pocket and began to eat it. 

"Yes" he said as he began chewing, "I want all 99 of them questioned before the show starts today" 

"What time are they supposed to arrive for registration?" I asked.

"10:00 a.m." he answered as he finished the dog biscuit.

"That only gives me 3 hours to question 99 people!"

"They're all guilty anyway!" VeeDee yelled as he began to go into an interpretive dance, "They should all be disqualified and first, second and third places should all go to me! To me! I deserve them!"

He than sat down and began to cry.  

"Oh come on" I said as I sat down beside him, "It's not the end of the world"

"You don't understand" he sobbed, "You've never been through anything like this before"

Even though I had been through something extremely similar before, I knew from experience not to try and empathize with him.  VeeDee was the type of person who thrived heavily on sympathy and often sought it.  He wanted you to feel sorry for him, but he did not want you to relate to him in the least bit.  Try telling him of an experience of your own, similar to the one he was going through at the moment and he'd snap at you like a mean alligator snapping turtle, poised to make you sorry you ever stuck your empathetic finger anywhere near him.   VeeDee was one of those people that didn't want to know that someone else had gone through similar pain.  He wanted all of that pain to himself, he wanted to wallow in his own woe, alone, with the idea that only he had to experience such a devastating tragedy. 

"How's the dog?" I asked Doc Parker as the dog was still passed out

"Oh" Doc Parker said scratching his head, "He ought to be awake in a few hours.  I imagine that when he wakes up, he'll have one hell of a headache"

"How long will that last?" I asked hoping that maybe Doc Parker would give at least a glimmer of hope that Woof would be ok in time of the talent show.

"It could last until Sunday" There went all of the hope I had for that idea.   It was clear to me that there was no way that Woof was going to be able to participate in this year's Mush.

"VeeDee" I said as he sat on the ground talking to himself, telling himself how horrible he had it and how no one in the history of the world had ever had to deal with such a thing, "Have you thought about canceling the show?"

"No!" VeeDee stood up, "I will not cancel the show!"

"You just can't have everyone show up at the show, announce that everyone has been disqualified, award 1st, 2nd and 3rd place to yourself and then leave!" I cried trying to knock some sense into VeeDee.

"Like Hell I can't" he said, "that's exactly what I'll do"

I began to feel a little bit of what would later on be Woof's hangover, as my head began to pound something fierce on it's own.  If I already didn't have enough to deal with, I now had this on my plate as well.  Most of the audience had bought their tickets in advance.    Those tickets weren't cheap either.  At $15 a pop, VeeDee had made himself a pretty little profit.  Southeastern only charged him $500 for rental and his only other overhead was the measily $10 he'd pay to each of his five volunteers that helped him run the show.   Southeastern took care of concessions, and he had a friend who manufactured medals.  Supposedly VeeDee gave him $1000 plus the cost of the three medals for first, second and third prizes, yet after VeeDee paid taxes on the event, I want to say that he still cleared $30,000 profit.

The animal talent show usually lasted from 1:00 to 9:00 with each of the 100 acts being given 5 minutes.  I had never made it through an entire Mush, but I had known others who had sat through the entire 8 hours.  It just wasn't something I could do. 

VeeDee himself would give me such a hard time about it too, "you just got here!"  He'd say to me as I'd get up to leave after sitting my chair for four hours, watching a variety of different acts done by cats, dogs and other pets.  

"I have business I have to attend to" I said to him as he'd roll his eyes at me, and shake his head.  

I once saw VeeDee a local talent show for people.  He had arrived at 8:00 and told his date who he had arrived with at 8:20, that he was ready to leave.   He hadn't even been their 20 minutes, and he was ready to leave, because he found the show to be boring and mundane.    I found it a bit hypocritical that he'd become outright angry and even verbally insulting towards anyone if they left before the 8 hour Mush talent contest was up.  

Mabe Hebner, who ran the talent show for people confronted him about it, later on that night at the "No Drunk" all alcohol free drinks bar.  

"VeeDee!" he said to him,"What's the big idea of leaving my people talent show so early? You weren't there hardly 15 minutes when you got up to leave!  I stayed at Mush the whole damned time!"

"It was boring" VeeDee said as he took a sip of his non-alcoholic martini.

"Boring!?!?" Hebner slammed his fist on the counter, "Well maybe I think that Mush is boring!"

"Ha!" VeeDee said as he slammed the rest of his non-alcoholic martini, "You don't know what boring is! Mush is art! Mush is the greatest interpretation of true art that there is!  It's music, dancing, singing, interpretive dance, acting, speech and everything beautiful about theatrical expertise that there is"

"So is my talent show" Hebner said as he took a few shots of some non alcoholic whisky

"No" VeeDee said with his usual narcissistic tone, "No, it is not"

"You know it all son of a...."

That's when I intervened,  watching Heber ready to take a swing at VeeDee and catching him right before he let VeeDee have it.

I got the two to shake hands, and on their own they even ended up hugging one anther.  I found it strange, oddly enough that they blamed their little fiasco on the fact that they had both had too much to drink, considering that all of the drinks at the bar were non-alcoholic.


It was now 1:58 a.m.   Doc Parker gave VeeDee some advice on what to do when Woof woke up and took off. 

"Do you think that maybe Hebner is behind all of this?" I asked VeeDee as I put on my hat and coat ready to skedaddle myself. 

"No", VeeDee answered as he pet the still passed out cold dog, "Hebner wouldn't have done this"

"I'll be back about 9:30" I told him as he just nodded at me.

I got home at a quarter past two, wondering who in the world it could have been that had slipped alcohol into Woof's dog dish and gotten him so drunk that he passed out.   Who would stand to benefit from this?  There was no money in the contest.   The only real difference between 1st, 2nd and 3rd prizes was the color of the medal and where you stood on the award stand.    It wasn't anyone that really cared all that much about getting first place for the sake of getting first place.   It had to be someone that wanted to get first place, just for the sake of it to finally be someone other than VeeDee.   This was personal.   Everyone knew how much it meant for VeeDee to be in the local Purple Town paper year in and year out with his picture on the front page as the Mush champion.   Someone didn't want his picture in the front of the paper. Someone didn't want him to win Mush.  Someone didnt' even want him to compete in Mush.   I could now narrow it down to anyone that got sick of how much of a braggart VeeDee became every year around this time.  I could now narrow it down to anyone that got tired of how VeeDee would make copies of the picture of himself in the paper and poster them up all over town.   I could narrow it down to anyone that just wanted to take a break from the month's worth of gloating that VeeDee would do every year post the results of Mush.   I could certainly narrow it down.  Only problem was, that described about everyone in Purple Town!

Hell, even I had grown tired of VeeDee and how he'd go from the restaurants to the gas stations to the libraries and even disguise himself as a motivational speaker for the school, only to rip off his disguise after his presentation began to brag about winning Mush and gloat about how wonderful he was in general.   Whoever put the alcohol in Woof's dish had to have been someone that was hoping that by doing so, it would cause VeeDee to have to drop out of the competition and therefore not win the contest.   There wasn't a single soul in Purple Town, including myself, who could honestly say with a straight face that they wouldn't like the idea of that happening.  

Truth is though, I wanted to find out who it was though.    I wanted to find out because as much of a pain in the ass as VeeDee could sometimes be,  he could also be a rather pleasant guy to be around at times too.  Furthermore, I liked Woof.   I felt bad for Woof at times because people would sometimes associate VeeDee's behavior with Woof.  Woof was a friendly little dog, nice to everyone and it wasn't fair the way some would label him as pompous and arrogant, just because his owner could sometimes be.

I found myself falling asleep and waking up around 8 in the morning.

"Hebner" I said after I dialed the numbers and after two rings he picked up, "Have you heard about what happened to Woof?"

"Yeah" he said to me, "VeeDee called me in the middle of the night last night.  He sounded real sad about what had happened, and then he got real made about it too"

"Oh yeah" I said prepping Hebner to tell me more about the conversation

"Yeah" he said back to me, "He then sorta gave a bit of a giggle and said that you had asked him if he thought it was me"

"Hebner" I said to him wanting to clear the air before things escalated between him and I, "I simply asked him that because of the ordeal that you guys had a few years back at the non-alcoholic bar"

"I know" he said very calmly to my surprise, "I know that detective.   I know you didn't think I did it and VeeDee doesn't think I did it either.  Yet he still had to ask me if it was me that did it"

"And what did you tell him?"

"It wasn't me detective" he said back to me, "Matter of fact, I'm probably the only guy in Purple Town that actually wants VeeDee and Woof to win Mush"

"You actually enjoy it when VeeDee wins Mush?" I asked him more than a bit flabbergasted.

"Yeah" he said back to me, "If I listen to him go on and on about himself, and feed his ego with compliments, he usually covers my food and drinks at the bar"

That was the thing about VeeDee, he could annoy you till the cows came home telling you about how much he admired himself, and how good he looked in his picture in the paper, but if you chose to sit around and listen to him, and furthermore agree with him  about how wonderful of a person he was,  he'd often treat you to a drink, a dinner or both.

Hebner, was now out of the question.   One suspect down, 99 to go.   This was going to be a long day.  

When I arrived at Southeastern for Mush,  I went into the little office where VeeDee would make sure everything was in order before the start of the show to speak with him.   He was in their with Woof, who was awake, but looked sicker than a....well a....well...uh....uh...dog.    His eyes were droopy, he tried to get up to come over to greet me but he was still too drunk to make it.  So I went over to him and gently patted his back.

"He's only getting worse too detective" VeeDee said to me with a concerned look on his face, "Doc Parker told him to give him plenty of water as it would help with the hangover and to let him throw up if he needed to"

"Has he thrown up?" I asked

"Just once" VeeDee answered, "I already cleaned it up"

"You going to the kitchen area to get him water?" I asked, "or are you just using the sinks in the bathroom"

"Neither" he said pointing past me at some bottled water up on the shelf behind me, "I've been giving him bottled water"

I took a look at the bottled water up on the shelf.  There were approximately 15 or so left.   Feeling pretty gal darn thirsty myself I asked if I could have one.

"Sure" VeeDee said back to me, "No more than I can get Woof to drink, I doubt he'll want all of them"

As I opened up the bottle, I asked VeeDee, "Are you still going to announce that everyone else has been disqualified at the beginning of the contest and then announce yourself the winner of 1st, 2nd and 3rd place via disqualification?"

"I don't know" he said, "I'm going to give who ever did this the opportunity to come clean and if they admit it, only disqualify them"

"You mean to tell me that you'd let the contest continue even though you aren't going to be able to enter it?"

"Maybe" I couldn't get a yes or a no out of him

"Even if you weren't able to win it?!?!" 

I couldn't even get an answer out of him with that question.    He just starred down at Woof, with both sorrow and anger in his eyes.  Angry at whoever had gotten the dog too drunk to compete and saddened, probably more so for himself than he was for Woof.

I took a big swig of the water and immediately spit it out as it burned my throat, and caused my eyes to water.   This wasn't water in the waterbottle, it was Vodka!

"Why did you spit your water out all over the floor!" VeeDee yelled at me.

"This isn't water VeeDee" I said to him handing him the bottle, "this is Vodka!"

He took a small sip himself, made a bitter face and handed it back to me.

"Where did you get these supposed bottles of water?" I asked him

"Doc Parker gave them to me"

Doc Parker! It was Doc Parker! Why would Doc Parker, of all people want to give Woof, Vodka?  I got up immediately from my chair, ran out the door, got into my car and got to Doc Parker's office as legally fast as possible.

"Detective" he said to me as I walked into his office, "What brings you here?"

"I know it was you" I wasted no time cutting to the chase, "why'd you do it?"

He knew there was no use of trying to convince me of his innocence, he knew he'd be caught and there was nothing left to do but to come clean.

"A lot of reasons" he said as he offered me a chair as he sat down in another.

"Ok" I said to him sitting down.

"99 reasons" he said to me making eye contact with me and allowing me to absorb his statement.

"Were you paid by the other contestants to get VeeDee and Woof out of Mush?" I said trying to put everything together?

"No" he said, "not that"

"Then what?" I said confused

"Almost everyone brings their pet in to my office at least once" he said to me, "I just feel so bad for those animals, always being told by their owner that they're second best, that they aren't as talented as Woof.  Some owners even get downright mad at their animals, asking them why they can't be as perfect as Woof.  It just makes me sick"

"So you thought that if you could show the rest of the world that someone else's pet besides VeeDee's could be the best, that maybe that would put an end to that?"

"VeeDee brags and brags and gloats and gloats every year.  If you try telling him that your pet is just as good as his, even though your's didn't win Mush, he'll badger you and badger you until you agree with him that Woof is better than your pet.  He manipulates people and he brain washes people into believe that their pets are all second rate compared to Woof"

"I know he does"

"I love Woof" Doc Parker said as he began to break down, "I really do.  I didn't mean to get him as drunk as I did.  I didn't want to hurt him, it's not Woof's fault, I just didn't know what else to do"

"I know Doc" I said to him, "but you did, and you're going to have to fix this."

Doc Parker followed me to my car as we made our way to Southeastern.  I had no idea what was going to happen.   

When we walked in, I took a deep breath, knowing that once Doc Parker admitted to what he had done, things might escalate to a very verbally violent confrontation.

We walked into the office where VeeDee was giving Woof actual water.

"VeeDee" I said standing in front of Doc Parker, "Doc Parker, has something he'd like to tell you"

It was clear to me that VeeDee already knew what Doc Parker was going to say.  VeeDee wasn't exactly the smartest individual I knew in life, but he wasn't stupid either. 

"VeeDee" Doc Parker began, "I was the one that put alcohol in Woof's dish."

"Why?" No swears, no screams of anger, just a simple inquisition is all that came out of the mouth fo VeeDee

"Well..." Doc Parker began, "to tell you the truth...."

Doc Parker went on for 15 minutes straight about everything that we had talked about in his office and all of the ways in which VeeDee would drive the whole town nuts with his narcissistic arrogance.   When he was finally done, their was a very awkward silence that lasted over a full minute.   Doc Parker and I sat their waiting in anticipation for VeeDee to explode in a shrapnel of anger defending himself.

"You honestly think I'm arrogant?" VeeDee seemed much more sad than he did mad as he looked from Doc Parker over to me, "You think I brag and gloat?"

"Well," I said now feeling sorry for VeeDee, "We all do a little, even me and Doc Parker, don't we Doc?"

"Yes" he said, "I found myself being pretty damn proud of a calf I saved here a week ago"

"Yeah" I said, "and to tell you the truth, anytime I solve a case, I can get a little cocky about it myself"

"It's just that you never seem to give it a rest" Doc Parker said, "You go on and on about how great you are and how great your ideas are and how only you know anything about true art and how you're the absolute best"

"And" I said seeing an opportunity to bring up another subject at an opportune time, "How you're often the only one who has ever had to experience anything bad, when you're going through a bad time.  A lot of us have had nights like you had last night"

"Well I don't know anything about that..." he almost seemed like he was going to get angry for a second but then he relaxed, "but I wasn't even aware that I gloated or bragged at all."

Doc Parker and I looked at one another, trying hard to not look like we were silently saying, "Are you serious!?!?"

VeeDee was serious though.  He was totally naïve to  how we perceived him, to how most everyone in Purple Town perceived him. 

"I'll try and be more self aware of it" he said to us standing up, "I appreciate you guys bringing this to my attention.  I can't promise you that I wont' brag and gloat, but I'll do what I can to not be as bad about it."

Both Doc Parker and I knew that VeeDee was going to be just as arrogant and cocky as he had ever been, but we both walked away from the office with a new, clearer understanding of the situation.   VeeDee wasn't a narcissistic pompous to be an ass.  He was that way, because that was just his nature.   He didn't gloat and brag to get on people's nerves or to be annoying,  it was just a part of who he was.   It didn't make it any less irritable.  It was still just as annoying as it would ever be. 

When the night was all said and done, Mush went on with it's performance and at the end of the 8 hours worth of animal skits, "Hung-over Woof in Britches" still took first place.