My Top 11 John Candy Performances

I recently received an invitation to join a John Candy fan club on facebook & thus far I'm amazed at how beloved & missed the man is 26 years post his death. I know why I loved the man & why I tear up each time I think about the fact that he's no longer with us.  It's clear to me seeing the many members of the group that my feelings are shared. 

A lot of the discussion is centered around favorite performances of Candy .  It made me think what are my favorite performances of his & why are they my favorite.  I narrowed it down to my top eleven which was hard enough.  Then trying to put those eleven in some sort of numerical order was even harder.  What I do know is that in every performance Candy gave (at least all that I've seen) there was something genuine & sincere.  Something raw & something honest.  John had a thing called talent, but I think it was his authenticity that made him so special. 

Keep in mind these are my favorite Candy performances. Your's maybe different or maybe your's maybe the same.  Maybe you'd put them in a different order.  Maybe you love them for the same reasons I do, or maybe you love them for completely different reasons than I do.  Among our comparisons and our contrasts one variable always remains fixed.  We loved John Candy & we all wish he was still with us.

#11 - Freddie Bauer in SPLASH

I put Freddie Bauer as my #11 because as well as Candy played the part I think it was a challenge to play misogynistic yet good hearted guy.  In the film I really appreciated how complex the character was & despite his own inhibitions with commitment, he is the one that talks his brother Allen (Tom Hanks) into looking past Madison's flaws & realizing how happy she made him.  The part where he puts himself in danger, allowing himself to be arrested so that his brother can rescue his girl is the type of sacrifice you'd expect from a Candy character.  I've always wondered how Freddie would feel when he comes to the realization that he'll never see Allen again.  I can't help but feel that while he'd miss his brother dearly, that he'd be happy knowing his brother found love.

#10 - Russ Lasky in NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION 

John Candy enjoyed making others laugh like the sun enjoys burning.  His performance as Russ Lasky the Barney Fife security officer at Wally World is one of his most fun.  Goofy, awkward & the way he talks has me in tears every time I watch the film.  When he gets into the argument with Clark (Chevy Chase) over whether the gun is real or simply a bb gun I about lose it.  Then when Clark shoots him in the butt, I do.  The part that always makes me smile the most is when Mr. Wally (the late Eddie Bracken) himself shows up & Lasky realizing that the Griswolds meant no harm, they just wanted to have a good time, goes to bat for them. 

"Well he kidnapped me, but I wanna tell you I had a great time on your rides. It's the most fantastic time I ever had in my life."

To see the best in people & to look into their true intentions is something that I believe a lot of Candy characters had in common.

#9 - Harry Crumb in WHO'S HARRY CRUMB? 

John had a natural ability to be able to relate to young people & get the most out of them within a scene. His chemistry with Macaulay Culkin & Gabby Hoffman in UNCLE BUCK is often referenced but I feel his chemistry with Shawnee Smith in this performance is often overlooked.  The character of Harry Crumb not only helped to show Candy's skill in doing a variety of characters but it also showcased his ability to give on screen.  He knew when it was his turn to be spotlighted & when it was time to step back & let others have their moment. 

#8 Irv Blitzer in COOL RUNNINGS 

Most of us have made mistakes in our lives that we hope through advice & encouragement we can help our youth avoid because we care about them. Irv Blitzer becomes the coach of the Jamaican bobsled team & before long it is clear that he cares about his athletes as much off the course as he does on the course.  Many of us have had such mentors or maybe we've been them.  Whether it be in sports or other activities, a coach, a teacher, a director, someone has been there for us, helping us along our journey.  We've all known an Irv Blitzer. 

I love the scene where Blitzer speaks with Derice & explains to him why he cheated.  That he made his whole life winning & how having that attitude can make you overlook things in life that are more important.  The best line in the entire film is, "Derice a gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."   Irv Blitzer wanted his team to succeed. He wanted them to win, but he reminded them that who they are will always outshine what they are.  Another trait I think all Candy characters had in common.

#7 Danny Muldoon in ONLY THE LONELY 

What I'm about to say may offend some but in order to make the point I want to make, I have to say it. John Candy was not an attractive man. He was severely overweight & was far from the handsome & sexy Brad Pitt type that Hollywood deems "good looking."  I think many others with similar physical features wouldn't have been able to pull this role off.  Theresa (Ally Sheedy) is a beautiful woman.  In many regards it's not realistic that a woman of her magnitude would go for a guy like Muldoon.  Yet Candy played the character with such elegance and with such charm that it's totally conceivable.  Not only does Theresa look past what he lacks physically, but so do we as an audience.  Candy's personality is so inviting & warm, that even the most shallow of women, those who often demand washboard abs find themselves in love with him.

#6 Gus Polinski - HOME ALONE 

We either know one or we wish we knew one.  The guy who is always looking out for others & makes it his mission to help out those in need whenever he can.  Candy often played these characters & I think much like Robin Williams was, the real life persona came through within them.  I can't help but imagine that Candy was a lot like Polinski.  The guy of guy that often went out of his way to help someone, even a total stranger.  With all of the ugliness in the world.  All of the swindlers & snakes that we deal with on a daily basis, we restore our faith in humanity because we know people like Gus Polinski exist. 

#5 - Wilbur in THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER

I feel this is Candy's most underrated role that he ever played. The character of Wilbur is obnoxious yet lovable. Braggadocios yet caring.  Excitable & fun.  He's dead set against taking Bernard (Bob Newhart) & Miss Bianca (Eva Gabor) to Australia because of the weather, yet once he finds out it is to rescue a boy he's Hell bent on getting them there.  That's the John Candy we all know & love. The one that is overly protective of children & will do anything for those he cares about.

#4 - Jack Chester in SUMMER RENTAL 

You plan out the perfect vacation & suddenly you find yourself the example of Murphy's Law. Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong.  We've all been there.  We've all endured the Hell.  We've all been in Jack Chester's shoes.  You want nothing more than to show your family a good time & get a little time to relax & you get anything & every thing but.   Yet despite all of the bullshit that Jack has to go through, he finds himself still making the most out of it.  Realizing that he still has his family & that his wife & his kids still love him & that he loves them.  At the end of the day, I think sometimes we all get wrapped up in the rat race of life & like Jack we need to remind ourselves of the beauties we have. 

#3 Chet Ripley in THE GREAT OUTDOORS 

I love this character for so many reasons.  How he can't stand his brother-in-law Roman (Dan Ackroyd) & at times wants to kill him but in the end puts aside all bygones to help him out. I have to say Chet Ripley is a better man than me. I have family members that I can stand just about as well as he could Roman & I don't know if I'd let them come live with me if the chips were down. 

I laugh so many times throughout this film that I burn about as many calories as I do when I'm jogging.  The scene where Chet & Roman kill the bat. The scene where Roman drags Chet across the lake.  "Roman you Bastard!!"  "What's he saying?"  "He's saying go faster!"  It has me going as if its the first time I've ever seen it every time I watch it.  Then of course the scene with the bear attack.  I cry from laughing so hard every time I watch this movie.  A scene others may not find funny that I do, is when he & Buck are out on the boat & Buck says to him, "You're not gonna kiss me in the boat are you?"

I've seen this film about 100 times in my life. I never get sick of it.

#2 Del Griffith - PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES 

Candy spent so much time making us laugh that I think sometimes we could forget just how genuinely good of an actor he really was.  Yes, he was second to no one when it came to making us smile, but he could make us feel too.  The character of Del Griffith was lonely & sad.  He longed for meaning and purpose. He yearned to belong, to know that he had worth. Because of Candy's outstanding performance, we felt those feelings right along with him. When he hurt, we hurt.  What he felt, we felt. 

The scene everyone remembers most is the "I like me" scene where he defends himself to Neal.  It is a powerful scene that deserves all of the praise & recognition that it receives.  Del Griffith is indeed "the real article" & "what you see is what you get" is indeed what we see & what we get.  We love Griffith for it because despite his many flaws, what makes us admire & respect him so is his ability to own them. 

For me the more powerful scene is where Candy is sitting out in the cold analyzing himself & coming to terms with the fact that his personality can be off putting. 

"Well Marie, once again my dear, you where as right as rain. I am, with out a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone who's company I really enjoy, and what do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I got a big mouth. When am I ever gonna wake up? I wish you were here with me right now. But... I guess that's not gonna happen. Not now, anyway."  

I love that monologue.  I just adore it because I think we can all relate to it.  We all have things about ourselves that we don't like & we wish were different.  It takes a great deal of fortitude to be able to look at yourself in the mirror & admit that. Another admirable trait that Candy characters share.

#1 - Buck Russell in UNCLE BUCK 

I love this character so much.  Not only is Buck Russell my favorite of all Candy performances, Buck Russell is one of my favorite characters in all films.  For me personally it's because I resonate with the character on so many levels.  The scene where he's looking through the photo albums & finds the picture folded back to hide that he was a part of the wedding.  The sick, gut punching feeling he gets knowing that his family is ashamed of him & see him as a disappointment.  A feeling I know all too well.  The scene where he speaks with the dog & says that they used to tell him he had it made & now they don't say that anymore.  I guess not all of us are black sheep, but to those of us who are, Buck is our hero.

He lives in a dump, he drives a shit car, he wears outdated clothes & from a materialistic point of view he has little to nothing to offer.  Yet we're able to look past all of that because the gold that he does possess is in his heart.  He cares a great deal for his nieces & his nephew & that resonates throughout every scene in the entire film. 

There are many scenes that I love.  One of which is of course the showdown he has with Vice Principal Anita Hoargarth.  While many remember the classic line of "Here's a quarter. Go downtown & have a rat gnaw that thing off your face" I think what he says right before that is the real kicker.

" I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!" 
Again Candy's love & protection over children. He won't ever allow them to be in danger. 

You know some of us believe in an afterlife.  Some of us don't.  I find myself uncomfortable in certainty & better suited for the realms of possibility.  If there is an afterlife, I can see Candy or perhaps at least some of the characters he's played (if they too live life after they are gone) being their guardian and protector. 

My very favorite scene in the whole film is when he finds Tia ( Jean Louisa Kelly) after Bug (Jay Underwood) has just dumped her because she refused to put out for him.  He lets her know that he's not there to judge her or to make her feel bad, but just to be there for her because he loves her.  Furthermore he knows that he has no place to judge her because he's made his own mistakes in life.  That he's not looking for anything more that to have a relationship with her again.  He doesn't tell her parents about all that's going on cause he knows he doesn't need to.  He creates a bond with her.  One that shows her, that despite his many flaws & the fact that her parents think he's a loser, he's one of the biggest champions of her life.  That if anything does, means something.

I cry every time I watch the ending of UNCLE BUCK.  When he waves goodbye to Tia and the screen freezes it's almost as if he's saying good-bye to all of us.   

My goal since I was about twelve years old has always been to write films.  If I could be anything in this life, it would be to be a screenplay writer.  If in this life I ever do get my opportunity & life grants me my wish, I can only hope that as did John Hughes, I am fortunate enough to find my John Candy. 

He's one of the all time best & one of my all time favorites.  May generations long after I'm gone, continue to discover & love his work. 

In Memory of Shirley Stonebraker

The best way to describe the life of Shirley Stonebraker is to say that she would give you the nothing that she had. I once read in parable that it is often those who have the least that give the most & I know of at least one example of that to be true; Shirley Stonebraker.   Whether it was food, a ride, to borrow something, even if she didn't have it to give, she would.  That's just the kind of person she was.

Before Shirley got sick, I used to stop by and visit her every time I went back to Sigourney.  Some people were a "if I have time to" visit.  Shirley was always a "I'll make time whether I have it or not" visit.  Some in my family can be rather judgmental.  See you for what you are.  What job your doing.  What kinda money your making.  What kinda car your driving.  It's image & material for them.  Not Shirley.  Whether I was pulling in the big bucks working for Iowa One Call or I was struggling to get by on the chickenfeed you make as a cab driver, I was always just Stephen to her.  She saw me for who I am.  For my morals & my values.  For the kind of friend I was to people. For the way I treated cats and dogs.  Shirley never saw me as the went to college got a degree but failed to make it in life loser that others have portrayed me to be.  Shirley always saw me as the nephew she was proud of.  No matter how down I got on myself, Shirley never allowed me to be negative around her.  She always reminded me of my good qualities & all of the positives I had.  I'd often tell her that I couldn't wait for the day when I did make it to the top & to see who all was laughing at me then.  She always said to me that while she hoped one day I did make it, that even if I never do, as far as she's concerned I'm already a winner.

Truth is, Shirley was never negative about anyone.  It used to piss me off to be honest.  I'd listen to others run Shirley into the dirt.  Make fun of her, criticize her, ridicule her, you name it.  She knew it too. She knew what they were saying but she never said anything in return.  I would.  People wanted to have their negative opinions about Shirley & it'd fire me up. The unfairness of it. The hypocrisy of it.  It'd pull the pin on this grenade and I'd explode.  Yet Shirley never did.  I mean you had to do something absolutely horrific. I'm talking to the level of beat a child or shoot a dog in the head before Shirley would ever say anything negative about you.  She was always positive.  Always had positive things to say about others, even when they had nothing positive to say about her.

The two titles Shirley loved above anything else were "mom" & "grandma."   In my life I've never known a person more proud of their kid than Shirley was of Stacey.   From the time I was a little kid up until Shirley got ill, not only was Shirley always positive about Stacey, she was always very enthusiastic about her too.  It was always how smart Stacey was. How hard of a worker Stacey was. How proud she was of Stacey.  Every time I was around Shirley she was always telling me what Stacey was doing & how excited she was about Stacey's life.

As to being Jace's "Grandma" it's an honor that Shirley wouldn't have traded for the world.  She loved, loved, LOVED being Jace's grandma.  I'm telling you if you put in front of Shirley Stonebraker $100,000,000 or getting to be Jace's Grandma, you'd have your decision in less than a microsecond.  She'd choose to be Jace's Grandma.   Being Stacey's mom & Jace's Grandma were the two most important things Shirley's life.  If you were ever around her, even for just a few minutes, you knew that.

The thing about family is, you don't get to pick them.  You get what you get.  Yet if I did get to pick an aunt, Shirley is one that I would've picked.  Maybe she never had a great job.  Maybe she never made a lot of money.  Maybe she made some mistakes in life.  That's fine.  Maybe that's how some saw her and how some will remember her.  Not me.  I remember a woman that always wanted to know others were welcome in her home.  That always had positive things to say about others.  Who always lent an ear whenever you needed someone to listen.  That's who I remember.

Complete the Story: 16 of 198

Harry shuffled the deck of cards and pushed it across the table.

"Deal," He said.

"One more hand," I agreed.

It was a way to pass the time.  More importantly, it was a way to avoid talking about what it was we had been told to do. Harry & I both knew that a day would come when we were asked to do a favor.  We knew a day would come when doing laundry, running errands & making long drives would be behind us. We were both men now. We were no longer kids.  It was time to do what men did and to be taken seriously.

We'd been hearing about it sense we were in diapers.  While other kids from normal families brought up in normal homes grabbed the newspapers to read the comics or who won between the Oilers & the Leafs, Harry & I were more interested in the obituaries.   Most of the time we didn't know who the people were, why they were knocked off or even who did it. We only knew two things.  Who ordered it & whether the victim was respected or not. Benelli ordered it.  Benelli always ordered it.  Your life whether you got to live or die, was always Benelli.   If he respected you, it'd be one shot to the heart. Not one scratch to your face.  The way he sees it, some kills have nothing to do with liking or hating someone. They're strictly business.  Other times, it is personal. You know that when you find someone & they got bullet holes in their face. 

Benelli never sends someone out on their first time alone.  You always go together & your accompanied by someone with experience.  Anton is accompanying us tonight.  He's supposed to be here in an hour.  I swear I've never had a clock mess with me more tonight than this one has. I think it's been screwing with Harry too.  We want our cake & we want to eat it too.  It pisses us off that the time won't go by faster.  We want to get this done & over with.  At the exact same time, we sweat a little more teach time the minute hand gets closer to twelve.   Anton will be here right at seven & I know Harry will be no more ready than I am.


I always thought that when this moment came that it'd be one of two people. Some guy that I had absolutely no connection with or some asshole that I was more than happy to knock off.  That's what I hoped for.  I mean I do wonder what it'd be like to end the life of a guy I don't even know.  Maybe that'd be harder than I think.  Benelli has brought us up to feel that how he feels about someone is how we feel about someone. So I guess if Benelli hates someone then I hate them too.  Or at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself the past three days.

See it isn't a stranger & it isn't a guy I hate.  It isn't a guy Harry hates either.   It's Alfonso.  We call him "Alf" after the old 80's show.  Known him since we were in Grade nine.  Son of a bitch got me a date with Julie Anderson & convinced me that I'd make one Hell of a goalie after I found out I wasn't worth a shit at every other position.  Made all conference three years in a row.  If anything I owe Alf something & it ain't at all what I'm gonna be giving him later tonight.

I guess maybe I do hate him.  Maybe I hate him for the same reason Benelli hates him.  He screwed up.  He screwed up bad.  Cost us nearly half a million bucks & what could be the end of our run in the underground cigarette trade.  I don't know why he had to be so foolish.  Why he had to be so careless.  I know Harry is thinking the same thing.  It's why he he pulled out a deck of cards & has had us playing all night.  It's why a second ago he slammed his fist on the table & asked me if I was gonna lay a card or play with my pecker all night.  Harry considers Alf a friend too, not someone he wants to decorate in lead.

I lay my card down as he draws another.  I feel like saying something but I know better.  I want to talk about what's already been talked about. I want to discuss, what'd already been discussed.  I know what Alf did.  I know how stupid it was.  I know what he should have done differently.   Harry knows all of this too & we both know no matter how many times we wish we could go back in time & change it we can't. It is what it is. What happened happened.  What needs to happen will happen.

Alf was supposed to make sure that the cigarettes got from Detroit to Toronto to Montreal without problems.  If he had done what he was supposed to, when he was supposed to do it, none of this would've happened.  You can't get sloppy in this business.  You CAN NOT get cocky.  You CAN NOT get lazy.  There's no room in this business for that.  God damn it, Alf knew that.  He KNEW THAT!  When you have a shipment of $450,000 worth of cigarettes, you know where it is at all times. I just don't get why Alf....

DING DONG!

"Jesus Frenchie!" Harry lets out a little laugh. "Get yourself together.  Anton won't take you if he thinks you can't do it."

"I know."

"Put on your jacket." He says to me as he puts the cards down on the table & stands up to grab his own. "Check your piece.  Make sure it's ready."

I go to grab my jacket & my gun.  Snub-nose revolver. Eight bullets.  Never been shot.  Benelli gave it to me as an initiation gift. To be honest I'd like to wake up tomorrow morning saying that the gun still has never been shot. On a personal level, Anton leaves me here while he & Harry do the job, it'd be no skin off my back.  Skin off my head, but no skin off my back. You see Benelli wouldn't have that.  He'd see it as an insult.  And the one thing you don't do to Benelli is insult him.  He ask you to do a job, you're either dead yourself or you do the job.  Anton did his first job 11 years ago when Harry & I were still kids.  He had diarrhea & was sicker than a dog.  He crapped his pants when he gave Isaac Adams the R.I.P. & it wasn't cause he was nervous.

I look over at Harry & wonder if he's really taking this better than me.  He certainly seems to be.  I know I look nervous. I can tell by the shortness of my breath, the high pitched sound of my voice & the shakiness of my hands.  Either Harry truly is prepared for this or his ability to hide his apprehension is a Hell of a lot better than mine.

"Benelli let you know what you'll each be getting for this?"

I heard the doorbell ring & I knew Anton had came into the room, but I'm still surprised to see him standing there.

I look at Harry who looks back at me.

"No"  Harry and I both speak at the same time.

"Fifteen apiece"

When I was seven I heard my mother and father fighting one night.  My father had recently gotten involved with Benelli & my mother was absolutely against it.  She yelled & screamed at him all night. She slapped him and hit him, calling him words that I didn't even knew she knew.  When she had yelled all she could yell & swung her arms all she could swing, she fell asleep on the stairs.  I asked my father what all the yelling was about.

He tried to explain it to me the best he could. I listened but I didn't get it. I didn't understand.  All I knew is that we went from macaroni & cheese every night with one toy for Christmas, to shrimp & steak & a tour of Europe during all of December.  I asked my father that night why he would leave the factory & do something if he knew it would make my mother angry.  He said some day I'd get it.

Today is someday.

"You nervous Harry?" Anton says as we get into his car

"I don't know." Harry doesn't know how to answer.

"How bout you Frenchie?"

"Yeah"

Anton smiles.

"Good." He says. "Always be honest with me fellas.  I'll always know when you ain't, so always be honest with me."

"I'm scared." Harry admits it before I do, but I feel I owe it to Harry to stick by him, so I admit it too.

"Relax fellas." Anton smiles again. "I'm gonna do you two the same favor Hans did for me my first time."

Harry & I sit intently as Anton slows around the corner to Alf's.

"I'll shoot first." He says, "By the time I'm unloaded he'll already be dead.  All you two gotta do is empty your pistols into a corpse."

As morbid as it may sound, it puts me in a better mood.  It relaxes me.

"So we gonna do this right away then?" I can tell by the sound of Harry's voice that Anton's news has him as relieved as it does me.

"No." Anton says as we pull into Alf's driveway. "No.  We're gonna let him finish the game first."

With all else on my mind I forgot the Leafs were playing tonight.  Alf's favorite team. Honestly, mine too.  I think Harry's as well.   Playing the Penguins if I'm not mistaken.

We get out of the car & head up to the door.  Anton knocks as Alf comes to answer.  By the look on his face I can tell he's expecting Anton & that he is not expecting Harry & I.

"Thanks for waiting for my wife & daughter to leave." He says to Anton. "I appreciate that."

He knows.  He knows & he's opening up his door & letting us in as if all that's going to happen tonight is four friends sit around his TV watching a hockey game.

"Can I get you guys anything to drink?" He ask as we go inside.

"Sure." Anton says.

"Beer?" Alf ask as he opens up his refrigerator

"Sure." Anton repeats himself

I can't help but wonder if maybe Alf might have drugged the beer somehow.  I can't see how he'd have done that as he twist the caps off.  I'm almost positive that once you take them off, they're almost impossible to put back on. 

Harry & I accept a beer too.

As I sip my beer & watch the other three drink, it soon occurs to me that this beer hasn't been doctored.  It's good ole Canadian beer. That's all it is.  I know Alf wants one to calm his nerves but I honestly think he gave us all one cause he wants us to calm our nerves as well.  In all my life I've experienced a lot of weird shit.  You do as a kid growing up in the mob, but to have a guy go out of his way to make your experience of killing him better for you takes the cake. 

"Do you mind if I get up to take a piss?" Alf ask as the buzzer signals on the TV for half time. "This beer goes through me fast."

"Go right ahead." Anton says to him as he kicks back his recliner. 

Harry gets up to follow Alf as he leaves the room.

"Sit down." Anton says to him.

"What if he tries to leave?" Harry ask

"He won't." Anton says as he takes another drink of beer

"What if he comes back with a gun to try and get rid of all of us?"

"He won't."

Anton puts his beer back down.

"Look guys, you already know this." He says as picks the beer back up. "There ain't no hiding from Benelli. He'll find you.  Alf knows this.  He knows what he did and he knows the price he's gotta pay for it. He knows that if he tries to run, Benelli will catch him.  Not only will he torture him but he'll torture his wife & his kid too."

What Anton said next, he didn't need to. Something I've always wondered about suddenly made sense. It all came together.

"Benelli won't bother either one of them as long as he gets Alf. Alf knows this."

A minute passes before Alf comes back into the room & sits down.  I can sense his regret as well as his fear as the game dwindles down.  Two minutes left in the final period.  If its of any solace, the Leafs lead by two points. They'll win tonight's game.

"Hey Alf." I feel as if something else has taken over my body and is making me say the words.

"Yeah Frenchie?" He says back to me.

"I never thanked you for getting the the date with Julie Anderson."

His eyes tear up as he half smiles and nods.

I continue, "I never thanked you for helping me out in hockey either."

As much as he wants to keep them entrapped the tears escape anyway.

"I mean it Alf" I say to him. "You were a friend to me."

The buzzer sounds a the Toronto Maple Leafs celebrate a 3-1 victory.  Anton grabs the remote control and turns the TV off.  He stands as Alf looks straight ahead, his eyes deadlocked on the television.  Harry & I stand too.

Anton pulls out his gun & fires two shots into Alf. The first one goes through the side of his neck as the other hits his left breastbone.  Blood everywhere, I know that Alf is already dead.  Four more shots and Anton's gun is empty. He looks over to Harry and I as he nods his head.  Harry and I unload our guns into Alf's lifeless body.  Here I was seconds ago telling a guy thank you for being a friend to me at a time when I needed one & now I desecrate his body with my gun.  I can only hope that there is a life beyond this one. That this is the last pain Alf will ever have to suffer & that one day he'll reunite with his wife and daughter.

Our guns hot & blood covering all of Alf's body, the only thing unscathed minus some blood that will be washed off later is his face.

We begin to walk out of the house, Harry leading the way, Anton in the back & me in the middle.

Anton reaches up & puts his hand on my shoulder. I turn to look at him.

"I know how you feel Frenchie." He says to me as Harry opens the door. "I liked Alf too."

COMPLETE THE STORY: 15 of 198

It began as a practical joke, but by the end of the day, nobody was laughing. It seemed innocent enough at first, because Jerry and I have a history of playing practical jokes on one another. He was the one to start the whole thing, if I'm not mistaken. He thought it'd be funny to try and ruin my whole day by embarrassing me in a multitude of ways. Jenny Young, the best looking girl in our class had recently broken up with her boyfriend Kelly Hughes.  Kelly, captain of the football team. Arrogant & cocky.  The type that always picks on the frail little skinny dudes like me. You know the type.  Jerry thought it'd be funny to put a note in Jenny's locker.  A little love poem of infatuation.  I'm not sure if the local police would do anything but laugh, but correct me if I'm wrong that forgery is not a federal offense.

Just what I needed, public humiliation & a death sentence.  I'm used to people laughing at me for one reason or another.  Can't afford a real haircut so my mother often takes out the hair clippers & does a fine job of showing the world on my head why the state of Massachusetts would sooner give Yoko Ono a license to sing before it'd give her one to cut hair.  Years ago I tried growing my hair out but my father thinks anything above a half an inch makes a guy look womanly.  By God it's fine that our mother won't let any of us boys play football, but no son of his is gonna look like a sissy. 

As I walked around the lunch room I caught a lot of stares and a lot of giggles.  It'd been about two weeks since the last time my mother took to my head like Picasso with a weedwhacker.  So, I knew it wasn't my haircut.  I wondered if maybe I had a rip in my blue jeans in the butt or crotch area.  I carefully examined to discover that I didn't.  For the life of me I couldn't understand the giggles & the stares.

That's when Jerry came and sat down next to me.  He tried to hide the big goofy grin on his face but I knew as soon as I saw him that even though I had no idea what was going on, I knew that he had something to do with it.

"Max my main man!"

"Jerry....."

He went about his business biting into his cheddar-wurst as if he were completely oblivious to the giggles and stares.   I starred him down as he jovially chewed. 

"Kelly!" Jerry spit out his hot dog.  I turned to meet Kelly face to face.

"Think you're some sorta hot shot huh Maximilian?"

Too confused to answer & too fearful to speak I starred back at him hoping that whatever I had done, a lecture would suffice.

"Put a love letter in my girl's locker?" He kept speaking as I turned to look at Jerry. "Hey boy! Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

I turned my attention back to Kelly.

"Yeah, you put a love letter in my locker & then sign up for track tryouts in MY event!?!?!"

"Kelly.....I..."

He slammed his fist down on the table before I had a chance to finish.

"Look here Maxi pad!" His voice wasn't loud but it was deliberate. "That's the last love letter you ever write Jenny & I'll run circles around you at the track tryouts."

He walked away as I turned to Jerry.

"Are you trying to get me killed?"

"What are you talking about?"

If there's anything I hated about Jerry worse than the pranks he pulled it was his pathetic attempt at acting as if he had nothing to do with them.  I got up from the table having yet to have touched any of my food & took it to the trash.

I was headed out the door.   I had never left school before it had ended before.  It wasn't so much discipline as it was ability.  My parents had one car between the two of them & neither I or my older brothers ever got use of it.  We rode the bus or on occasion Dad would come pick us up.  It all depended on his mood & when he took his daily breaks.  There's nothing like living on a huge cranberry farm out in the middle of nowhere, where you don't own a single thing. Not even the little built for one person house that you & four other people crammed into.  Mom didn't work at all & as a farm hand Dad made they type of wage that junior high kids looking for their first wage scoff at.   Hell, the only reason we had a car at all was because the farmer got tired of running his own errands. 

We lived 10 miles outside of town.  If I took off right now, I'd be home in time to be about a half hour late for supper. 

"Max!"

I turned around to see Coach Benson, the track coach with a big smile on his face.

"Max!" He said my name again in the spirit that I hadn't heard him the first time. "I see you're trying out for the 100 meter later today."

I'm American, I have no idea what the Hell a meter is. The only thing I remembered about the metric system is that we didn't use it. 

"I'm glad to see that." He continued. "I've seen you in P.E. a few times.  You're quick & you're fast."

Not exactly what I was expecting to hear.

"Mr. Benson..."

"Coach"

"Coach Benson" I began again, "The bus is my only way home.  I live about 10 miles west of town."

"On Harley Haas' cranberry farm right?"

"Yeah." Was he going to let me get this out or not? "I ride the bus. I have no other way home. I won't be able to make it to try outs."

"Can't your buddy Jerry give you a ride home?"

"Jerry's trying out for track?"

"No, but he's my stat boy for the year."

With that, I turned around and headed back in the lunch room.  Jerry still sitting at the table. He had gone back to get seconds on the Cheddar-wurst.  Hell, knowing Jerry maybe even thirds.

"You really have it out for me don't you Jerry?"  I said to him hoping that at any second he'd start to choke on his cheese filled wiener.