Why I Stopped Talking To My Dad

 I graduated college and moved out on my own in August of 2009. I lived in Tiffin for three weeks, and then I lived in Iowa City for about a year. I moved to Coralville for 11 months & then spent my the remaining amount of time back in Iowa City.  Collectively between living with Dennis, then Dennis & Ratko, then with Carl, then owning my own place, I was in the Iowa City area from August of 2009, until May of 2013.  

During this not quite four year stretch, my Dad visited me exactly one time. We went to the Western Wrestling Conference championships in Cedar Falls. He picked me up at my trailer, letting me know that he wasn't happy about the way I was dressed.  My blue jeans were worn & faded.  I needed a haircut & he wasn't too impressed with owning a trailer.  I told him that I didn't have a lot of $$ to go out buying new clothes all the time.  I was putting about $500 a month towards student loans & $400 a month towards my trailer.  Bills & food, I didn't have much $$ for anything else. 

In four different areas that I lived in, he only saw one. It was the only time he came up to see me.  My sister lived about a 10 minute drive from the trailer I owned.  He was up to see her about 12 times per year. 

How often did I see him when I came back to Sigourney?  Every single time.  He wasn't always home, but if he was I'd stop to see him.  Most of our visits were very negative.  I had a college degree, why wasn't I making $70K a year or more.  He always had plenty to say, he never had much time to listen. 

I once brought my friend Chief over to meet my Dad.  A 20 minute conversation, Chief looked over at me when we got into the car. 

"Jesus Christ," He said to me. "He does NOT like you, does he?" 

I moved to Des Moines in May of 2013. I lived their until April of 2020.  The entire time I was there, my Dad visited me once. He never saw the home I owned. He only came up once to help me shop for a new car. 

My Grandpa said it all had to do with how big Des Moines was.  It was too big of a city & it was further away than Iowa City.  He said that's why my Dad always turned down offers to come see me.  I find that difficult to believe for many reasons. 

1 - I don't think living in Des Moines had anything to do with it.  Des Moines is an hour & a half, Vs Iowa City an hour from Sigourney.  I lived in Iowa City area for nearly 4 years, he never came to see me then either 

2 - size? My Dad goes to Omaha, Minneapolis & Omaha quite frequently. All three are way larger & more difficult to drive in than is Des Moines 

3 - Every Thanksgiving my Dad would drive to Jefferson for family get togethers at his girlfriend's family.  I know the exact route.  They came within 7.2 miles of my home.  7 in a row, I asked my Dad to stop by for a minute, either on his way there or on his way back, he turned me down each time.  A 300 mile round trip, and an extra 15 miles in total was just too much wear and tear to add to his vehicle. 

During that 7+ years, I still stopped and saw him every time I came back to Sigourney. Always to be met with negativity. 

I remember introducing him to Ashley the first time. I remember the drive home afterwards.

"He doesn't have anything good to say about you, does he?" She asked me. 

Well kinda...

According to my cousin Stacey, he has a lot of good things to say about me in certain pretences. 

Nearly anything positive my Dad has to say about me involves the words would, could & should. 

He loves the idea of who he thinks I could've been 

He loves the idea of who he thinks I should've been 

He does like a lot of versions of me.  The only version he dislikes with great passion is the actual me. 

My Dad built a new home, right around the time I was planning a move to Florida. 

He called me up one day and let me know that he was going to be moving soon. If I wanted my stuff that he had of mine, I needed to come get it.  It wasn't much stuff.  Just enough to fill half of a small closet.  I found it peculiar that he was building a much larger home, but he'd have no room for that stuff. 

His house was finished and moved in to about a week before I was to take off for Florida. I stopped by for what would ultimately be my first and last time in that house. 

When I arrived, I asked him if I could take a tour of the house. He told me he didn't give a shit what I did.  Starting in the garage, I walked every inch of that house, twice.  The walls were full of pictures of my sister and her family.  Pictures of my Dad's girlfriend and of her family were everywhere. Not a single photo of me or anything of me to be found anywhere. 

"Good luck," He said to me. "You're gonna need it." 

And with those words I walked out of that house knowing I'd never go back again. If he's that ashamed of me and sees me as that much of a disappointment, then I came to the conclusion I needed to accept that. 

A short time later Ashley & I were watching a documentary on serial killer Jeffery Dahmer. His father, Lionel Dahmer was being interviewed at his home.  As he answered questions regarding Jeffery, a portrait of Jeffery next to some other family photographs stood out on the wall.  It occured to me that Lionel Dahmer, thought more of his son Jeffery, a mass murderer, than Randy Stonebraker thought of Stephen Stonebraker. 

He has certain expectations for me post getting a college degree. I didn't live up to those expectations.  I've heard the "yeah buts" and I've contemplated them a long time.  I know the $24,000 my Dad feels he was cheated out on sending me to college. My mom & Barry lost out on $24,000 too. I lost out on a lot. I spent 11 years of my life paying back $48,000 of my share for that college education that has brought me very, very little good, and brought me a whole lot of grief.  He knows what it cost him. He never stops to think what it cost me. 

It's not about anger. I can get over being angry. It's not about forgiveness, at least not on my end.  I don't think he'll ever forgive me for not becoming the success that he wanted me to become after graduating college.  

Some have said that it's not so much a matter of him not liking me as much as it is him not understanding me.  I don't buy that either.  He knows me. If anyone knew my hopes, my dreams, my goals and my desires, it was my father.  I think he understands me fine. What he doesn't do is accept me. 

I can't give him what he needs from me. There was a time when I thought maybe one day I would, but that isn't going to happen. 

The job I'm at now will be the same job I'm at in 25 years.  I like it.  It pays well in my estimation, has good benefits & good retirement plan.  But in the realm of comparison it is right dab in the middle of the road. Mediocre. A C+ or so on the grading scale. Far from the B+ to A- range my Dad expected out of a college degree. 

I drive a used car, probably always will from here on out. I don't have the brand new Lexus that a college grad should be driving. 

I live in a very modest home. Aunt Peg ain't bragging to nobody about the size of my house, the huge pool in the back yard or the uppity scale of the neighborhood. It's nice and it suites me just fine, but it ain't the $500,000 piece of property that a college grad should own. 

I'm an agnostic.  Thoughts crossed my mind to pretend I believe otherwise. To put my theatre skills to use and become a charlatan trying to fool everyone.  if my Dad really knew his Bible, then he would know that is the greatest offense one can take against Yahweh. As damned as I might be for admitting my agnosticism, a fate far worse awaits a false prophet. 

What it really comes down to is that I don't want anymore bad memories.  

When I sit and think of my Dad, I have a lot of positive, good memories of him.  From the time I was real little, up through 8th grade are the best memories.  I still have good memories of my Dad from 8th grade up through my early 20s, but it was in 8th grade his strong dislike for me began. 

From my early 20s through 35, a period of about 13 years, my memories of him are mostly negative.  A few good ones here and there, but very few.  

My Dad was a very powerful influencer. When he wanted to, he could make you believe you could do anything.  I think back on the most successful and rewarding moments of my life.  They were often because I had him in my corner, believing in me and motivating me. 

My Dad could also do the exact opposite. He could make you feel like you weren't capable of anything. As if you were the worst of the worst and it couldn't get any worse than you. I think back at some of the most disappointing moments of my life. Him breaking me down, always a huge part. 

I'll never understand that about my Dad. I'll never get that. Why if he had the power to build me up and motivate me, why he so often chose to do the exact opposite instead. 

This life is challenging enough as it is. When I'm going about it & doing my best, I don't need someone constantly reminding me that I suck at it and that I'm not good. 

I love my Dad and I know that he loves me.  He doesn't like me though, and I came to peace with that 5 years ago. 

Not a good of explanation for you? Good, I'm quite used to being not good enough for someone.  I've had plenty of experience. 

You're going to be an uncle!

 Christmas break 1999.  I was in the 8th grade and enjoying my break from school. After spending some time at a friend's, I walked into my Dad's house and took my shoes off at the door. Hearing my arrival, my Dad popped his head out of the living room and said, "get in here." 

By the tone of his voice, I knew this meant get in here as quickly as possible. I walked into the living room confused and scared. He was obviously angry about something.  I started thinking about what it could possibly be. I had been doing well in school. I hadn't done anything that I thought would constitute such a reaction. 

"Sit down!"

Now I was really worried.  I watched him pace back and forth on the living room floor.  One end of the room to the other. When he did that, you knew you had really messed up. You were about to get it.  I still had no idea what I had done, but I knew even without knowing what it was, I already regretted it. 

"I'm going to ask you a question, and you better not lie to me," he said. 

"Ok," I responded. 

"You better not lie to me when I ask you this question," he repeated. "I'm telling you right now, Jack, you do NOT want to lie to me about this." 

If Dad was calling you Jack, you knew he meant business. It was his way of letting you know that on a scale of 1-10 on how much trouble you were in, you were sitting at a 15. What could this possibly be about? What was this horrible thing that I had done? 

"Did you know your sister was pregnant?" 

That was not the question I was expecting from him. 

"No," I answered. 

"You better pray that you didn't know anything about it." 

He sat down in his blue recliner and began rocking back in forth. I didn't know anything about it. My sister had graduated high school early and moved out of the house. The first time I heard anything about her being pregnant was my Dad asking me about it. I wasn't even sure if my mom and my stepdad were aware of it. 

He continued rocking back and forth for a while.  He'd shake his head, mumble something to himself and smirk. That was the pouring of the gasoline. The collecting of the grenades.  It was only a matter of time before the match was lit and the pens were pulled. 

"I found out from guys at work," He said. "Can you believe that? My coworkers knew before I did." 

His fist came down fast and hard on the night stand next to his chair. He stood up and as I froze in fear, inches from my face he began screaming at me at the top of his lungs. 

"I told you!" He screamed. "I told you!  I f'n told you, Jack!" 

He grabbed some magazines that sat on a coffee table, ripped them in half and then threw them against the wall. 

"I told you!!" His voice was at a shriek by this point. "I told you that your sister would end up dead, in jail or pregnant! I told you! Didn't I tell you!" 

At this point you never knew what your best response was going to be.  Sometimes responding to him pissed him off. He saw it as a sign of disrespect, as if you were mouthing off to him. Yet sometimes being silent pissed him off even more. He sat back down in his chair, taking a quick breather from his rant.  

All I could think of was how thankful I was that my sister was pregnant, all things considered. If the only other two options were either death or prison, it was the best of the three. As much as I hated sitting on that couch getting screamed at by my father, for my sister's actions, it sure beat the Hell out of the alternatives. 

The next three hours I got hear all about an assortment of fun topics. How this all came about as a result of my mom and stepdad's shitty parenting. How if I had any brains in my head and if I didn't want to end up like my sister, I'd move in with him and have nothing to do with them. My sister had it made and now her life was going to be nothing but challenge and struggle till the day she died. This was going to prevent her from getting a four-year college degree, and without that, your life has no choice but to amount to didly shit. I better not F up. If my Dad knew anything, his daughter f'd up and his son wasn't going to. 

9 months later, one of the greatest things to ever happen in my family's life took place on August 12th, 2000.  My nephew Garrett Steven Rosenow was born. (For clarification his middle name has nothing to do with me. His Dad's middle name is Steven.)  His birth truly was a blessing in so many ways.  While my sister will always remain bitter and jealous over not getting to chase her dreams of becoming a fashion designer, Garrett truly is the best thing that ever happened in her life. She was an outstanding mother (as she also is to her two daughters) to him and raised him to become an outstanding person, that I couldn't be more proud of.  My mom was still sore from having lost my other sister 2 and a half years earlier, and Garrett coming into her life was a windfall.  Before Garrett was born, my Grandpa had talked about getting a dog to cope with loneliness. Instead, he got a great grandson, and if anything kept him happy, healthy and young, that was it.  Garrett's Dad hadn't spoken to his Dad in many years, and Garrett was the one that reconstructed what seemed to be an unrepairable bridge.  I don't know if Garrett is aware of it or not, but he was the why of many good things happening in the lives of those around him. Including me. 

It wasn't long after Garrett's birth that my first year of high school was about to begin. My friend Clint had his mom drive him into town so we could walk to the first football game of the season together.  We'd drive him home after the game.  As Clint and I prepared to walk to the game, my Dad came up to us and asked Clint if he'd wait outside for me for a minute. 

"Sit down," he said to me. 

I sat. 

"You're a freshman in high school now," he said. "You're going to have a lot of temptations." 

He paused a moment and smiled. 

"You know," he began again. "I'm not even sure if I really need to say this to you or not, but I'm going to. You're gonna be tempted. Girls...all sorts of stuff." 

For a moment I thought the birds and the bees talk, which I'd already been through with my mom and stepdad was coming on. Instead, we were going to have a very clear understanding. 

"Hear me now," He said to me. "If I ever catch you drinking...If I ever catch you at a party...If I ever catch you doing anything sexual with a girl... That's it.  You'll never step on to a wrestling mat again.  You'll never step onto a stage again.  Wrestling, theatre, done.  You understand me?" 

I nodded. At that time in my life wrestling and theatre were the two most important things in the world to me. I wasn't going to get caught up in alcohol.  All the goals I had as a wrestler, I wasn't going to risk that.  As awkward and goofy looking as I was, I couldn't even remotely fathom any girls letting me within 5 feet of them. So, I wasn't too worried about that.  Besides after going through what I went through after my Dad found out my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to even imagine what it would've been like had it ever been me. I loved being an uncle to Garrett, but I was in no hurry to become a dad. 

I wonder sometimes if I had knocked up a girl while in high school if my Dad would've sat and screamed at my sister for hours about it.  I doubt it. I don't think he ever took out his anger over my actions on her.  He rarely ever took out his anger of her actions on her.  That was all saved for me.  Lucky me. 

No Tell, No Yell

 I was sleeping sound in my bed, when I heard the slam of our heavy wooden front door.  The slurred whispers of my sister and the neighbor girl, as they drunkenly stumbled through our front room.  I got out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and went downstairs to see what was happening. 

By the time I arrived, my mother and Stepfather were already up. Before I could be briefed on the situation, my mom looked at me and ordered me back upstairs.  To her, none of this was any of my concern and I could go back to bed. 

I took a good look at my sister and her friend before begrudgingly going back up the stairs. They both had cuts on their faces and arms. Bruises on the bodies. I listened as best I could to my mom scold my sister on how lucky she was that her injuries weren't worse. How she or her friend could've been killed. How she was lucky this happened so close to home and how the authorities would not be notified. 

Then I heard the tractor start up. We lived on about 7 acres, right on the edge of town.  My stepdad would often bring a tractor into town and hookup a huge lawnmower to it.  Luckily for my sister, the tractor was at our house that day. 

Here it was about 3 in the morning and my stepdad was taking the tractor down the road to pull our now totaled Chevy Celebrity out of the ditch.  One of the many times in our lives he saved us from further consequence or humiliation. 

I continued to listen to my mother scold my sister, even angrier that she now had to take the two girls over to the neighbors house and explain to her parents all that had transpired. 

I went back to bed having a hell of a time trying to get back to sleep.  This was the second time my sister had been in a drunk driving incident and I was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last either.  The first one had happened out in the middle of nowhere where on a gravel road.  There were no real consequences for that one either.  

By the time I finally did fall asleep my mom was in my room waking me up. 

"There's no need to go and tell your father about this," She said to me. "That'll just make things worse. Your sister is going through a lot right now, she doesn't need to deal with your Dad on top of it." 

I wasn't 100% sure why my sister was doing the things she was doing. According to her, it was because unlike her weird younger brother, she actually cared about being well liked and popular among her classmates. Partying and getting hammered was how you fit in. A loser like me wouldn't know anything about it. 

My mom's explanation for it contradicted what my sister said. My mom thought her rebellious nature was a combination of two things. For one, my sister's class was very clicky. When my sister was younger, up through JR High, she had always been among the female jocks.  She did dance, softball, volleyball and track. Then a series of injuries, kept her from those activities when she got older. She first had to have a giant cyst cut out of her hand. This meant no hitting a volleyball and no catching a softball. She even had to give up playing the trumpet in the band. As a result, many of those friends stopped including her in activities. Their get togethers excluded my sister. Soon thereafter she began to hang with a more rebellious crowd. I'm not convinced that she wouldn't have still turned to drinking and partying. Plenty of jocks still did plenty of both. 

As to the other reason? Mom thought it was also a result on how hard and critical my Dad was of my sister. At that time in our lives, I was doing very well in both wrestling and baseball. It'd be a while before I broke my back and all of those hopes died their slow, torturous death. At the time I was projected to have a very solid and respectable high school Wrestling career. 

My Dad was always bragging about me and talking me up to others. Not my sister, not at that time. If he wasn't ragging on her for her mediocre grades, then he was hounding her for something else. 

Were those the answers? I don't know. Looking back now, I wonder if my other sister's death had something to do with it. When my other sister died, it severely effected me. I mean it completely changed who I was and how I looked at life.  I went from a carefree little boy, into a take everything way to serious teenager overnight.  My sister on the surface seemed to only grieve as you would a normal death. You cry, you bury, and then you move on with life.  Looking back now, I wonder if a part of her turning to drinking, getting behind the wheel of a car drunk, as if she had no concern at all of the "what ifs". I wonder if it might have been her way of dealing with our other sister's death. 

I didn't end up telling my Dad about the incident and it wasn't to protect my sister. It was to protect me. At the time I was in a Oskaloosa Community Play and I was having the time of my life. It was such a fun and rewarding experience.  I knew that if my Dad found out about my sister's drunk driving incident, that it would put him in a sour mood. She wouldn't be around for him to yell and scream at, but I would be.  Even though a part of me wanted to see my sister come to terms with actions having consequences, I knew the real sufferer would end up being me if I talked. I kept my mouth shut and the play turned out to be a memory nearly 27 years later I still cherish. 

I don't miss being put in these types of predicaments. They weren't everyday occurrences, but they weren't exactly rarities either. They happened more often than I would've liked them to have.  I enjoy being an adult more than I did being a kid. Paying taxes is a drag, as are some of the other responsibilities.  That's a fact. No longer getting yelled and screamed at for someone else's mess ups? That's a fact too. 

CENTRAL EMPIRE WRESTLING NEWSLETTER

 

Central Empire Wrestling is about to embark on it's 19th Anniversary show!  Starting off small in a pole barn out in the middle nowhere in between Keota & Wellman, Iowa, Austin Bayliss had a dream.  A vision of one day running a successful independent professional wrestling organization.  Here he is nearly two decades later, that dream now a reality. 

A lot of talent comes and goes in twenty years.  New stars emerge, while old stars seem to fade into wind. Today we take a look at 9 former CEW superstars and what they are up to today. 

CEW MOURNS THE LOSS OF "THE UNDERDOGG"

MAJOR PAYNE MAKES MAJOR BUCKS SELLING BEAUTY PRODUCTS! 

CHIEF HONORS HIMSELF WITH WRESTLER OF THE YEAR AWARD

ACE IS WILD IN VEGAS

GET OUT OF SHAPE WITH SAM MOON!

FORMER TAG TEAM CHAMPS OPEN ANIMAL RESCUE

THE KING FINALLY FINDS HIS QUEEN

JT1Wrestle's Final ACC Predictions

 NCAA DI QUALIFIER 

125
1. Eddie Ventresca Virginia Tech
2. Vince Robinson North Carolina State
3. Nico Provo Stanford
4. Kysen Terukina North Carolina
5. Tyler Chappell Pittsburgh
6. Keyveon Roller Virginia 

133
1. Aaron Seidel Virginia Tech
2. Tyler Knox Stanford
3. Ethan Oakley North Carolina
4. Zach Redding North Carolina State 

141
1. Ryan Jack North Carolina State
2. Jack Consiglio Stanford
3. Tom Crook Virginia Tech
4. Luke Simcox North Carolina
5. Briar Priest Pittsburgh
6. Gable Porter Virginia 

149
1. Collin Gaj Virginia Tech
2. Koy Buesgens North Carolina State
3. Anthony Valencia Stanford
4. Kade Brown Pittsburgh
5. Wynton Denkins Virginia 

157
1. Daniel Cardenas Stanford
2. Ethen Miller Virginia Tech
3. Dylan Evans Pittsburgh
4. Laird Root North Carolina 
5. Colton Washleski Virginia 

165
1. Bryce Hepner North Carolina
2. E.J. Parco Stanford
3. Will Denny North Carolina State
4. Mac Church Virginia Tech
5. Jared Keslar Pittsburgh

174
1. Luca Augustine Pittsburgh
2. Matty Singleton North Carolina State
3. Aidan Wallace Duke
4. Sergio DeSiante Virginia Tech
5. Nick Hamilton Virginia 

184
1. Jaden Bullock Virginia Tech
2. Chase Kranitz Pittsburgh
3. Abraham Wojcikiewicz Stanford
4. Jake Dailey North Carolina 
5. Don Cates North Carolina State 

197
1. Mac Stout Pittsburgh
2. Angelo Posada Stanford
3. Sammy Sasso Virginia Tech
4. Patrick Brophy North Carolina State 

HWT
1. Isaac Trumble North Carolina State
2. Dayton Pitzer Pittsburgh
3. Jimmy Mullen Virginia Tech
4. Connor Barket Duke
5. Brenan Morgan Virginia 

Stephen Stonebraker's 2026 Baseball Schedule

 
SUN MARCH 29th - UCLA @ Iowa 11 a.m. 
SAT APRIL 4th - Indian Hills @ Kirkwood 1:00 p.m. & 3:30 p.m. 
SUN APRIL 19th - Ellsworth @ Kirkwood 1:00 p.m. 
SUN APRIL 26th - Iowa Central @ Kirkwood - Noon
SUN MAY 3rd - Illinois @ Iowa 1:00 p.m. 

Stephen Stonebraker's Fall Schedule

 

SUNDAY AUG 31st 1:00 p.m. - Iowa Field Hockey Vs North Carolina 

SATURDAY SEPT 6th 1:00 p.m. & 3:30 p.m. - Coe Soccer (M&W) Vs Crown 


SATURDAY SEPT 13th 8:00 pm. Iowa Theater = Drag'daLore 

SATURDAY SEPT 20th 2:00 p.m Mount Mercy Volleyball Vs Mid American Nazarene
SATURDAY SEPT 20th 8:00 p.m. Iowa Theatre = 2006 

SATURDAY SEPT 27th 12 p.m.  Kirkwood Volleyball Vs Prairie State
SATURDAY SEPT 27th 8:00 p.m.  Iowa Theatre = A Starry Knight 

SATURDAY OCT 4th 12 p.m. Mount Mercy Volleyball Vs Central Methodist 12 p.m. 
SATURDAY OCT 4th Iowa Theatre = Earthus Terminus 

SATURDAY OCT 11th Coe Swimming & Diving Vs Illinois College 2 p.m.