I graduated college and moved out on my own in August of 2009. I lived in Tiffin for three weeks, and then I lived in Iowa City for about a year. I moved to Coralville for 11 months & then spent my the remaining amount of time back in Iowa City. Collectively between living with Dennis, then Dennis & Ratko, then with Carl, then owning my own place, I was in the Iowa City area from August of 2009, until May of 2013.
During this not quite four year stretch, my Dad visited me exactly one time. We went to the Western Wrestling Conference championships in Cedar Falls. He picked me up at my trailer, letting me know that he wasn't happy about the way I was dressed. My blue jeans were worn & faded. I needed a haircut & he wasn't too impressed with owning a trailer. I told him that I didn't have a lot of $$ to go out buying new clothes all the time. I was putting about $500 a month towards student loans & $400 a month towards my trailer. Bills & food, I didn't have much $$ for anything else.
In four different areas that I lived in, he only saw one. It was the only time he came up to see me. My sister lived about a 10 minute drive from the trailer I owned. He was up to see her about 12 times per year.
How often did I see him when I came back to Sigourney? Every single time. He wasn't always home, but if he was I'd stop to see him. Most of our visits were very negative. I had a college degree, why wasn't I making $70K a year or more. He always had plenty to say, he never had much time to listen.
I once brought my friend Chief over to meet my Dad. A 20 minute conversation, Chief looked over at me when we got into the car.
"Jesus Christ," He said to me. "He does NOT like you, does he?"
I moved to Des Moines in May of 2013. I lived their until April of 2020. The entire time I was there, my Dad visited me once. He never saw the home I owned. He only came up once to help me shop for a new car.
My Grandpa said it all had to do with how big Des Moines was. It was too big of a city & it was further away than Iowa City. He said that's why my Dad always turned down offers to come see me. I find that difficult to believe for many reasons.
1 - I don't think living in Des Moines had anything to do with it. Des Moines is an hour & a half, Vs Iowa City an hour from Sigourney. I lived in Iowa City area for nearly 4 years, he never came to see me then either
2 - size? My Dad goes to Omaha, Minneapolis & Omaha quite frequently. All three are way larger & more difficult to drive in than is Des Moines
3 - Every Thanksgiving my Dad would drive to Jefferson for family get togethers at his girlfriend's family. I know the exact route. They came within 7.2 miles of my home. 7 in a row, I asked my Dad to stop by for a minute, either on his way there or on his way back, he turned me down each time. A 300 mile round trip, and an extra 15 miles in total was just too much wear and tear to add to his vehicle.
During that 7+ years, I still stopped and saw him every time I came back to Sigourney. Always to be met with negativity.
I remember introducing him to Ashley the first time. I remember the drive home afterwards.
"He doesn't have anything good to say about you, does he?" She asked me.
Well kinda...
According to my cousin Stacey, he has a lot of good things to say about me in certain pretences.
Nearly anything positive my Dad has to say about me involves the words would, could & should.
He loves the idea of who he thinks I could've been
He loves the idea of who he thinks I should've been
He does like a lot of versions of me. The only version he dislikes with great passion is the actual me.
My Dad built a new home, right around the time I was planning a move to Florida.
He called me up one day and let me know that he was going to be moving soon. If I wanted my stuff that he had of mine, I needed to come get it. It wasn't much stuff. Just enough to fill half of a small closet. I found it peculiar that he was building a much larger home, but he'd have no room for that stuff.
His house was finished and moved in to about a week before I was to take off for Florida. I stopped by for what would ultimately be my first and last time in that house.
When I arrived, I asked him if I could take a tour of the house. He told me he didn't give a shit what I did. Starting in the garage, I walked every inch of that house, twice. The walls were full of pictures of my sister and her family. Pictures of my Dad's girlfriend and of her family were everywhere. Not a single photo of me or anything of me to be found anywhere.
"Good luck," He said to me. "You're gonna need it."
And with those words I walked out of that house knowing I'd never go back again. If he's that ashamed of me and sees me as that much of a disappointment, then I came to the conclusion I needed to accept that.
A short time later Ashley & I were watching a documentary on serial killer Jeffery Dahmer. His father, Lionel Dahmer was being interviewed at his home. As he answered questions regarding Jeffery, a portrait of Jeffery next to some other family photographs stood out on the wall. It occured to me that Lionel Dahmer, thought more of his son Jeffery, a mass murderer, than Randy Stonebraker thought of Stephen Stonebraker.
He has certain expectations for me post getting a college degree. I didn't live up to those expectations. I've heard the "yeah buts" and I've contemplated them a long time. I know the $24,000 my Dad feels he was cheated out on sending me to college. My mom & Barry lost out on $24,000 too. I lost out on a lot. I spent 11 years of my life paying back $48,000 of my share for that college education that has brought me very, very little good, and brought me a whole lot of grief. He knows what it cost him. He never stops to think what it cost me.
It's not about anger. I can get over being angry. It's not about forgiveness, at least not on my end. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for not becoming the success that he wanted me to become after graduating college.
Some have said that it's not so much a matter of him not liking me as much as it is him not understanding me. I don't buy that either. He knows me. If anyone knew my hopes, my dreams, my goals and my desires, it was my father. I think he understands me fine. What he doesn't do is accept me.
I can't give him what he needs from me. There was a time when I thought maybe one day I would, but that isn't going to happen.
The job I'm at now will be the same job I'm at in 25 years. I like it. It pays well in my estimation, has good benefits & good retirement plan. But in the realm of comparison it is right dab in the middle of the road. Mediocre. A C+ or so on the grading scale. Far from the B+ to A- range my Dad expected out of a college degree.
I drive a used car, probably always will from here on out. I don't have the brand new Lexus that a college grad should be driving.
I live in a very modest home. Aunt Peg ain't bragging to nobody about the size of my house, the huge pool in the back yard or the uppity scale of the neighborhood. It's nice and it suites me just fine, but it ain't the $500,000 piece of property that a college grad should own.
I'm an agnostic. Thoughts crossed my mind to pretend I believe otherwise. To put my theatre skills to use and become a charlatan trying to fool everyone. if my Dad really knew his Bible, then he would know that is the greatest offense one can take against Yahweh. As damned as I might be for admitting my agnosticism, a fate far worse awaits a false prophet.
What it really comes down to is that I don't want anymore bad memories.
When I sit and think of my Dad, I have a lot of positive, good memories of him. From the time I was real little, up through 8th grade are the best memories. I still have good memories of my Dad from 8th grade up through my early 20s, but it was in 8th grade his strong dislike for me began.
From my early 20s through 35, a period of about 13 years, my memories of him are mostly negative. A few good ones here and there, but very few.
My Dad was a very powerful influencer. When he wanted to, he could make you believe you could do anything. I think back on the most successful and rewarding moments of my life. They were often because I had him in my corner, believing in me and motivating me.
My Dad could also do the exact opposite. He could make you feel like you weren't capable of anything. As if you were the worst of the worst and it couldn't get any worse than you. I think back at some of the most disappointing moments of my life. Him breaking me down, always a huge part.
I'll never understand that about my Dad. I'll never get that. Why if he had the power to build me up and motivate me, why he so often chose to do the exact opposite instead.
This life is challenging enough as it is. When I'm going about it & doing my best, I don't need someone constantly reminding me that I suck at it and that I'm not good.
I love my Dad and I know that he loves me. He doesn't like me though, and I came to peace with that 5 years ago.
Not a good of explanation for you? Good, I'm quite used to being not good enough for someone. I've had plenty of experience.
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