How Does an Agnostic End Up At One Of Iowa's Most Religious Colleges?

 There's no denying it.  I am an anomaly. Since day one, my life hasn't made much sense. There are a lot of things about me people find peculiar.  Things about who I am and my past that puzzle people. One of which, is how I, an agnostic, ended up at Northwestern College, one of Iowa's most religious institutions. It even dumbfounds me at times.  Who I am now. The way I think about things. The philosophies and perspectives I have. The soon to be 40 year old Stephen Stonebraker never would have ended up at a place like Northwestern College. So how did the 18 year old me end up there? 

I Was a Different Person at the Time

There was a time in my life where I was deeply religious.  A time in my life where I went to Church every Sunday, prayed every night and encompassed a lot of my life around the Christian faith.  I was never very vocal about it.  I wasn't one of these people that constantly had to reassure everyone around me that I was a Christian. I wore a St. Christopher necklace every day and if you really want to have your mind blown, I even considered going to seminary at one point.  That's a story for another day, but it is true. 

I Was Very Depressed and Suicidal at the Time Too 

I did my best to hide it and keep it from others, but during high school I was severely depressed.  I was suicidal as well. Once even standing on a bridge, on a cold February day, nearly all of the day, contemplating jumping. A lot of things weren't going right in my life. I had a lot of guilt over my sister Sydney's death and I had failed at my goals as a high school wrestler. There were many nights when I'd sit up at night and wonder why I felt the way I did.  Why did I feel so horrible? Why did I hate myself and hate my life? 

We'll come back to this in a bit.

Northwestern Had a Reputable Theatre Program

I made up my mind when I was very young that what I wanted to do with my life was be a screenplay writer.  Since about seven years old, I loved the idea of seeing characters and scenarios that came out of my head on the movie screen or the television.  When I got a little older, I'd even write my own episodes of some of my favorite TV shows.  Treatments, scripts, you name it, I daydreamed all the time.

Screenplay writing was a graduate degree though. Something you did post your undergrad.  That left me with a dilemma. What would I get my undergrad in? I looked into creative writing, but it too was a graduate degree.  So, what in the world would a guy who wanted to eventually get a degree in screenplay writing, study?  I thought the answer was theatre.  

We looked all around Iowa, as well as nearby Missouri and nearby Illinois for good theatre programs.  We narrowed it down to four institutions.  Northern Iowa, Northwestern, Luther and Simpson.  Northern Iowa was immediately eliminated because I was fearful of going to a larger college. I didn't know if I could perform well in a lecture hall setting.  

Why Northwestern over Luther and Simpson? 

This is a bit more complicated.  

I knew I wanted to focus on theatre and put my heart and work ethic into it.  On the same hand though, I love wrestling too much to completely stay away from it.  

At Luther, the head of the theatre seemed to have no interest in me at all.  I'd find out many years later in a long discussion with Professor Larson, that I misread him. He was trying to give me very valuable information, and I took it as an insult. I loved the wrestling coach, Coach Mitchell. He and I saw eye to eye.  He even talked to me about traveling with the wrestling team and being the media guy for the team. He knew my enthusiasm and passion for the sport.  He saw value in me, even if I weren't going to be an all star, All American for him.  

Ironically enough, Simpson was the exact opposite. I can't remember the head of the theatre's name, but he was extremely welcoming and seemed like he couldn't wait to get me aboard as a member of the theatre.  Coach Ron Peterson was an interested in me as is a shark in a piece of lettuce.  I had never gone to state; I had never accomplished anything in wrestling. I was a waste of his time. Feel free to buy a ticket and watch us wrestle if you want but keep your distance. I don't need your suckage potentially leaking on to my team. 

Northwestern on the surface seemed the goldilocks. Karen and Jeff Barker, the heads of Northwestern Theatre were very welcoming people.  I still think pretty highly of the Barkers, especially Karen.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but I will say she tried really hard to get the other kids to accept me, and take in someone who didn't fit the mold. I will always appreciate that about her. 

As to the wrestling coach, I don't think I could have found a better fit to the awkward situation I was in.  Coach Paul Barteltt got it.  As complicated and nonsensical as it was, I could not have asked for someone to be better to me than what Coach Bartlett was.  I was a messed up individual, and I needed someone like him in my life at the time.  He wanted me to be a part of his wrestling program.  To my surprise, he even wanted me on the team, as a wrestler.  Even offering me a partial scholarship. He made it clear I was welcome in the wrestling room anytime I wanted to be there. Covering the team, helping recruit, being at the matches.  He wanted me a part of Northwestern Red Raider wrestling.  I wish mentally I would have been in a place at the time to have done so.  Again, another story for another day. 

Back to the Depressed and Suicidal Part

Yes, Northwestern College having a reputable theatre department, along with the Barkers and Coach Bartlett were pieces of the puzzle that lead me to Northwestern College, but in essence there was one reason why Northwestern got the nod over everywhere else. 

I asked myself a couple of questions.  Why do I feel the way I feel?  Why have all of these horrible things happened to me?  The answer I came up with?  Obviously, I'm not a good person. I try and be, but obviously I'm not. Why else would these horrible things happen to me?  Why else would I feel as I do? 

What's wrong with me?  At the time I thought it has to be the fact that I'm not a good enough Christian.  I must not be doing enough to please God and make him happy with me.  What can I do to be a better Christian? 

Going to a Christian College!  That has to be the answer!  I want to get closer to God? I want to be a better Christian?  Be and do as God wants?  Northwestern College is the answer! 

Camp Okoboji 

I don't think I'll ever have a situation in my life where expectation and reality are further apart, than what they were at Northwestern.  I get asked sometimes, what was I expecting?  I can tell you exactly what I expected. 

Even today, as an agnostic, I can look you in the eye and tell you that one of my fondest memories in life was going to Church camp in sixth grade.  It was a week-long camp where I had the time of my life.  I wish I remembered my camp counselor's name.  I think it was something like Jason Jakes, or Jacks, or Jaacks or something like that.  I've tried looking him up many times over the years, but I've never been able to find him. Cool guy. Really enjoyed him. The overall experience of that camp was very rewarding. So rewarding in fact, that nearly 30 years later, I still have vivid memories. 

That's what I thought Northwestern College was going to be like. If being wrong were measured in distance, I thought I was in Ushuaia, Argentina. I was actually in Ellesmere Island, Northern Canada. 


And that's the story of how I ended up at Northwestern College.