"Ha ha ha!" Mason laughed. "Is that really your Dad?"
"Ha!" Jordan laughed. "Yeah, it is!"
"Holy cow! He was skinny!"
"What are you boys looking at?" Scott asked as he walked into the garage.
"We found your old yearbook," Mason answered. "You used to be thin!"
"Thanks," Scott smirked. "Where did you find that old thing?"
"It was wedged behind some old newspapers & magazines on the shelf." Jordan answered.
"Hand it over to me," Scott said. He took it in his hands as he held it. Jackson High School, home of the Beavers. Class of 1999. It had been at least twenty years since he had looked through his senior year book.
"You boys continue working on cleaning this garage," He said to the boys. "I'm gonna go take a look at this thing."
Scott walked back into the house & sat down on the sofa. He began to thumb through the pages. Memories flooded his mind as he found himself overcome with emotion. Pretty girls he had forgotten he had once had crushes on. Friends he thought were lifelong that he hadn't spoke to in over a decade. The class jerks he was glad he'd never see again. He laughed hard when he saw a photo of the class skit they had done for homecoming. He gleamed with pride when he saw the track photo of him and the other three members of the conference and district 4x4 relay team that took second in the state of Alabama. It felt good to look through the yearbook, until he came to page 37.
Suddenly a sense of guilt and remorse hit him like a solid right hook to the body as if it were delivered by Marvelous Marvin Hagler. He choked for air as his eyes swelled up & a pain tingled throughout his whole body. Page 37 was the school staff and there the picture stood out as clear as day. Mr. Lanny Stockart, Chemistry.
42 year old Scott Wulff was suddenly 18 again.
Scott had never been that good at Chemistry. He appreciated science and found it interesting, but it might as well have been a foreign language once math was added to it. He needed the class to graduate and he needed to pass in order to be eligible for the track team. Track was his life at the time. Nothing deemed more important.
Upon his first test, he slumped in his chair starring at the 27% F that seemed to only grow a brighter shade of red the more he looked at it. Mr. Stockart, who walked with a limp and had a difficult time turning around tapped on the chalk board to get everyone's attention.
"I realize some of you may not be happy with your test results," He said. "Realize this is only the first test. We'll have other test, as well as projects and assignments to get your grade up."
Scott got up to leave for his next class as he noticed Mr. Stockart looking at him. Not casually glancing at him but starring at him as if he were the only kid in the Chemistry room.
"Mr. Wulff," He said to Scott.
"Mr. Stockart," Scott said in return.
"Got your first big race on Friday night at Allman?" Mr. Stockart took off his glasses that seemed to have lenses that were two inches thick. He cleaned them with a tissue.
"Yeah, if I can even run," Scott answered. "I cannot believe how poorly I did on this test."
"What's the issue?" Mr. Stockart asked.
"I don't know." Scott answered. "I swear to you I'm paying attention. I'm taking notes. I'm reading the material. I'm studying it. I'm not bullshi....crapping you Mr. Stockart."
"I know you aren't," Mr. Stockart continued cleaning his glasses.
"I just don't get it. I don't know if I can get it. This is material that is above my head."
"Nonsense," Mr. Stockart put his glasses on. "You are correct that there is a problem. Where you fail, is to see that there is a solution."
"What is the solution?" Scott asked.
"Tell me something Mr. Wulff. Do you only go to track practice and call it good?"
"You mean like going to practice and giving it my all rather than just showing up?"
"Yes, but I also mean that you do much more to be good at track than just work hard at practice. I see you in the weight room lifting weights. I see you running out on your own time. You know it takes more to be good at track. Chemistry is no different."
"What do you suggest?"
"I can get here an hour earlier in the morning if you can. That way you don't have to miss track practice and we can get it done and over with so you can concentrate on other things. Deal?"
"Deal."
For the next three weeks Scott met with Mr. Stockart every morning in the Chemistry room. They would go over concepts and equations again and again. Scott wasn't sure if he understood Chemistry any better than he had, but what he did know is that he was putting in the effort.
Come the next test, Scott waited anxiously as Mr. Stockart handed them back to see how everyone did. As he waddled up to Scott's desk he gave Scott a stern look. Scott held his breath as Mr. Stockart laid it down on his desk. 79% C+. Scott held the paper in his hand. Mr. Stockart winked.
"I told you when there's a problem, there's a solution." Mr. Stockart smiled. "I think you're better than a C+ too."
The conference track meet was that weekend, held at Jackson High. The 4x4 Relay team that consisted of Scott, Chase Adams, Noah Wehr & Luke Knowler not only won the event but did so in record time. Among the Beaver fans who cheered from the stands, hunched over leaning up against the chain link fence was Mr. Stockart. As skinny as he was and as off balance as he always seemed to be, Scott thought the wind might pick him up and carry him away. He stood firm though, clapping as he watched the team celebrate their victory.
The next Chemistry test came back and this time it was a 85%, a B. A grade Scott never thought that he'd see on anything that had anything to do with Chemistry. Things were going great for him. He was doing well in school. Track couldn't be going any better than what it was and both Auburn and Troy State had already sent scouts wanting to talk to him about running in college. Life was good for Scott Wulff.
That all changed on a Monday afternoon.
Both the boy's and the girl's track team had missed Chemistry on Friday, because they had to leave school early for the district meet that was held in Montgomery two hours away. In order to make up what they had missed on Friday, Mr. Stockart had them watch a video in the back of the classroom, while the other kids who had not missed class worked on a lab.
With Mr. Stockart distracted up at the front of the room, Luke Knowler pulled out a video from under his shirt.
"What is that?" Chase asked him.
"Just shut up," Luke snapped at him. He then took out the video they were supposed to be watching and put in his video.
When he pushed play, it was obviously the kind of video it was. A pornographic film.
"Dude, turn that shit off," Scott snapped his fingers at Luke.
"Will you relax?" Luke fired back. "Stockart can't hear it all the way up there. He's so damn slow he couldn't make it back here in time anyway."
"Probably the first time Scott's ever seen a pair of those anyway," Michelle Banks laughed.
Luke laughed as the others laughed along with him.
"Better not make him mad or he might go and tell on us." Chase put his arm around Scott. It wasn't meant as an insult but simply a gesture to suggest that Scott take it easy and not get so wound up.
"Ok, Ok." Scott said. "I'm sorry. All right."
Scott knew that what he was doing was wrong but the peer pressure was too much for him to resist. These were his track teammates. The ones that he had worked so hard with day in and day out to win both the conference and district team titles. Michelle Banks was the most popular and the best looking girl in his class. These weren't people he wanted to upset. These weren't people he wanted to look weak in front of.
The fun lasted for two more days. Luke kept bringing the video to school and they kept finding reasons to go to the back of the room to watch it. With the TV turned away from Mr. Stockart, there was no way he was going to see it.
"Oh! Oh!" Suddenly the screams of a woman claim blaring from the T.V.
"Chase you idiot!" Luke yelled.
While messing around with the remote control trying to rewind a part that he had wanted to see again, Chase had accidently turned the volume up as high as it would go.
"What's going on back there?" Mr. Stockart asked.
"Sorry Mr. Stockart, " Luke said. "I just got mad at Chase. That's all."
"What was that screaming noise?" Mr. Stockart asked.
"Oh that was me, " Michelle answered.
"It didn't sound like you at all."
"It was," Michelle continued to lie. "I hit my knee on the table."
Mr. Stockart had been a high school chemistry teacher for 10 years. He had a degree from the University of Alabama. There's no way that a pretty little face from Jackson High was going to fool him with what anyone could tell was pure manure.
It took him a good two minutes, but he waddled back to where a good third of his students were. He studied the area around him. Scott prayed that he would not go towards the TV that thankfully Chase had managed to shut off. Mr. Stockart looked about the room, trying to figure out the actuality of the situation. It seemed as if he wasn't going to find out and as if he were going to give up. That's when he noticed the chemistry video tape, the one that was supposed to be in the VCR lying on the the counter.
That's when Scott knew the gig was up. He knew what Mr. Stockart was going to do. He was going to walk over to the TV, push the eject button on the VCR and discover the porno. All Scott could do was picture how much trouble he was going to get it. How disappointed his parents would be in him. How this might cost them the opportunity to compete at the state championships in two weeks. What other consequences could await? All Scott could do was wait.
Mr. Stockart held the video tape in his hand. He held it like it were a dead puppy or a dead kitten. Scott hated seeing the look of anguish and disappointment on Mr. Stockart's face. Knowing that a man who had done so much for him, he had let down.
"Anyone who was a part of this," Mr. Stockart said as he squeezed the VHS in his hands, "Stay after class. I'll write you a pass to your next class."
The bell rang as Scott, Luke, Chase, Noah and Michelle sat quietly at their desk, while the rest of the class got up and left.
"This type of behavior is an automatic suspension from school and an F for the course," Mr. Stockart said.
"You can't do that to us!" Luke yelled. "We have state coming up!"
"Yeah," Michelle shrieked. "If I fail Chemistry, I won't graduate. None of us will. We'll have to all take summer school or repeat the semester next year."
"It's not my personal decision," Mr. Stockart said. "It's school policy. Written clearly in your student handbook. If I report this to the principal these will be the actions took."
They all sat in their desk, as if prisoners awaiting execution. A silence so loud that they could hear their own hearts beat.
"Wait...wait...wait..." Chase held up his hand. "You said 'if' you tell the principal. 'If'....does this mean you might not?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do yet," Mr. Stockart answered. "You guys put me in a horrible situation. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You are better than this."
Scott knew Mr. Stockart was addressing all of them, but he couldn't help but feel singled out. As if Mr. Stockart were talking to him and only him.
They knew that there was no trying to persuade Mr. Stockart into his decision. He was going to do what he was going to do and that was it. All they could do was sit it out until he had. They got up out of their desk and headed to their next class.
"Mr. Wulff..." Scott heard the faint sound of Mr. Stockart's voice. He turned around.
"Yeah?" Scott responded.
"Did you know about this?" He asked.
"It wasn't mine," Scott answered. "I didn't bring it in."
"I already know that," Mr. Stockart answered. "but you watched it the past couple of days and you were a part of it."
"Yes sir," Scott said. "Yes, I was."
Nothing more was said as Scott went to class. That night track practice was a blur. It went by quickly and he soon found himself at home. Luckily both his mom and dad had to work late that night, so he didn't even have to see them before he went to bed. That night he dreamed of Mr. Stockart and the other kids. The dream had nothing to do with track. It had nothing to do with chemistry and it sure didn't have anything to do with the stupid porno film that they had watched. Instead it was Mr. Stockart moving about as freely as were the rest of them. Him running and jumping. No hump in his back, no slouch. He didn't limp or waddle. He didn't have to lean up against anything for support. He was like the rest of them, not one physical ailment.
The next day in Chemistry, Mr. Stockart stood in front of the entire class holding the video in his hands. It wasn't labeled, so only those who knew what it was, had any idea that it was a porno. To the rest of the kids in the class, it was just a black video tape. They had no idea what was on it.
Mr. Stockart laid the video down on the table and then put on a pair of thick rubber gloves as he put on a pair of goggles. Already in a protective jacket, he reached down on the floor and picked up a container of liquid. He put the container on the table.
"This is dichloromethane," He said as he picked up the VHS tape. "Also known as methylene chloride. It can dissolve many types of plastics. Like the plastics that make up this video tape."
He put the VHS tape into the solution as they all watched it eat away at that tape.
"Dichloromethane is a very powerful substance, " Mr. Stockart said. "You don't want to breathe it in or get it in your eyes or on your skin. As you can tell by looking at what used to be a VHS tape, it makes short work out of what it touches."
He destroyed the tape. That was a good thing. After all he hadn't told the principal yet. He couldn't have. There's no way that this much time would have gone by without them getting in trouble if the principal had known. If Mr. Stockart had decided to tell the principal, why would he have destroyed the evidence? He wouldn't have. It was clear to Scott that Mr. Stockart wasn't going to turn them in.
"Thank you, " Chase spoke for all of them as they had another quick meeting before their next class. They were all indebted to Mr. Stockart.
"Your thank you means nothing to me," Mr. Stockart spoke slowly and deliberately. "What I want from you is to realize you were given a second chance. To make the most out of this second chance and to do good with your lives. Make better decisions."
They all agreed to Mr. Stockart's deal, but Scott felt that he might be the only one who actually meant it.
What a relief it was. They were going to get to compete in the state championships, they were all going to graduation and they were all going to go on to college. Mr. Stockart was right. This could have all ended horribly for them and they would have had no one to blame but themselves. Instead he gave them a second shot and who was he but to do anything with that second shot other than what Mr. Stockart had asked of him?
They ran at the state meet and being handed a huge silver trophy that read Alabama High School State championships, state runner-ups was the greatest feeling Scott had ever felt in his life. A feeling so great that he knew as he felt it, he might never feel a feeling as good ever again. Mr. Stockart could have taken that feeling away from him. Could have robbed him of what was up to that point the greatest moment of his life. Instead he decided not to. He decided to let Scott and the other guys have their moment of glory.
The weeks went by and soon it was time to graduate. Scott had taken his final Chemistry test and some how or another managed an A. A grade of B overall. A 3.2 GPA, headed to Troy State on a partial track scholarship. His senior year was almost over, only three days left of what had turned out to be a near perfect year.
"Attention students," the announcements came over the loudspeaker as they sat eating lunch in the cafeteria. "Would Luke Knowler, Chase Adams, Michelle Banks, Noah Wehr, Scott Wulff & Mr. Stockart please come to the principal's office."
They never did find out who ratted them out. It had to be someone in the Chemistry class room or maybe it had been one of the custodians. Scott didn't know. He didn't think Luke had left the video in the room, but maybe he had. They had thought they were going to get away with this, in fact, they thought they already had. Now the five of them, along with Mr. Stockart sat in the Principal's room.
Not much was said to the students. Most of what the principal had to say was directed at Mr. Stockart. Scott wondered what all he was feeling. Perhaps ashamed? He never hung his head. Perhaps regret? Maybe anger towards them? He didn't glare. He just sat there looking the principal in the eye as he was chastised and ridiculed for his decisions.
"Please," Mr. Stockart said once the principal had finished. "They all graduate in two days. Let them have their diplomas. One mistake shouldn't cost them so much."
The principal folded his arms and took a deep breath.
"All five of you are very lucky." He said. "I should take that state trophy and throw it in the trash. That's what I should do. I should make all of you go to summer school or redo the semester. I won't though. Get out of my sight now. I don't care to look at any of you."
Once again they all thought it was over as they left the office. It was close to over, there was only one more part to be played.
The next morning there was an assembly held. The entire school gathered in the gym as the Principal made his way up to the podium.
"We have gathered here because we have some recent happenings we want all of you to be aware of."
Scott sat in the bleachers wondering if he and the other students would be ousted for watching the porno film. Be humiliated in front of the whole school.
Instead Mr. Stockart came walking from a dark hallway out into the light. As he walked towards the podium he seemed weaker. More fragile. Brittle and frail. He trembled as he put the microphone closer to his face.
"Students of Jackson High," A man who had always spoken with such diction, struggled to get the words out. "I have been teaching here for over a decade. I want you all to know how much I have enjoyed educating you. Teaching you. That you too have educated and taught me. I value all of you. With that said, I also want you to know that I recently made a decision that was not in your best interest. I owe you all an apology. As a result I have decided to resign from my position as a Chemistry teacher. I wish nothing but the very best life has to offer."
He walked back to the tunnel and disappeared into the darkness. Maybe the wind really did come along and carry him away. That's all Scott could figure. No one ever knew what happened to him. All they knew was that he had packed up and left town. His house was put up for sale and not even the realtor working it had any idea where he had went. The summer came and gone and they were all at different colleges continuing the courses of their lives.
Scott tried to look Mr. Stockart multiple times throughout his college years. Internet searches, he couldn't find anything under Lanny Stockart. He asked around, discovering he was originally from Mississippi. A three hour drive one day, people in the small little community of Dry Water remembered him, but hadn't seen him in many years. Scott was always hoping that he'd pop up again someday. Somehow even though Scott knew it wasn't possible under the circumstances, as a teacher somewhere.
Upon graduating and life hitting him with 1,000,000 other things, Mr. Stockart got placed in the area of Scott's brain that collected other forgotten thoughts. It wasn't until he saw Mr. Stockart's photo on page 37 of the yearbook that he remembered everything that had happened. How he wished somehow he could find Mr. Stockart. How he wished there was a way to locate him. Was he even still alive? He would have been in his 50's back then, so he'd be at least 70 something now if not close to 80.
Scott had never gotten the chance to tell Mr. Stockart how sorry he was for what had happened. That if he could go back in time, he would have turned himself in right away. How he would have sacrificed one of his most glorifying moments, if he knew it meant Mr. Stockart would have gotten to have kept his job. He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted the opportunity to thank Mr. Stockart. There's so much he wanted to say to the man, but the man was no where to be found. Scott knew that as he sat down at the computer, but he searched the internet for hours anyway.
Mr. Stockart had said that all problems have solutions. That was something he instilled into Scott's mind and even though he didn't always remember where it had originated from, it was a philosophy he lived be. A problem would come up and even if it looked like there was no way of dealing with it, Scott knew it had a solution.
Yet what was the solution here? Scott hadn't seen Mr. Stockart in 25 years. All attempts to try and find him during his college years turned up nothing. The attempts to try and find him now, same result. God if there were a solution, what was it? What was it Mr. Stockart? What was it?
Thursday, August 24, 2023
Finish the Story: 24 of 200
Saturday, August 5, 2023
Thank You Elton John
You know I try not to let rather trivial matters bother me much, but in this particular instance I can't help it. Elton John is my all time favorite singer & I regret that I never got around to seeing him perform before he retired. I also regret that my Dad gave up what could have been a very memorable & special night for him, as he once turned down an Elton John concert on my behalf.
It was all the way back in 1996. My Dad had taken my sister & I out to New Jersey to visit his Aunt Verna & all of his cousins. His cousin Jeff had gotten Elton John/Billy Joel concert tickets for a show in Philadelphia & invited my Dad to go. Dad told Jeff that he wouldn't go without me. It meant a lot to me that my Dad wanted seeing Elton John to be a special moment to share with me. It still does. However, looking back, I do wish he would have taken Jeff up on his offer. You don't realize it when you're young, but as you get older it dawns on you that our special times with our cousins are so few and far between. Especially when they live so far apart. I really wish that my Dad would've taken Jeff up on that offer. Not only for what would have been my Dad's only time of seeing his favorite singer, but also because it would have been a special moment between him and his cousin Jeff.
Elton John was such a fixture in my life growing up. Do I know every single one of his songs? No, I don't. But the songs of his that I do know, I cherish each one of them. Mentally, emotionally & dare I say as an agnostic spiritually, Elton John was there for me so many different times in my life. His music spoke to me. It moved me. It challenged me and it changed me. So yeah, is it petty & juvenile to be genuinely upset, angry & a bit depressed that I never got around to seeing him live? I can't deny that it isn't. Yet as I've often come to find with many issues, feelings don't always coincide with thoughts. There are far more important issues in the world than Stephen Stonebraker never getting around to see Elton John in concert. I'm well aware of that, but nevertheless, I'm still upset about it.
When I say each one of his songs that I knew was a staple in my life, I mean that. I will go through each one to explain.
 |
| Tiny Dancer |
This one brings me way back. My mom & Dad got divorced in November of 1991. Dad moved out of the house shortly before Thanksgiving & that year I had two separate Christmases. One at my mom's house & one at my Grandpa Harry's house where my Dad lived until he got a place of his own. This was also the year I began wrestling. It's funny to many how I can have such fond & happy memories of a sport that in all sense of reality, I was never good at. What does all of this have to do with TINY DANCER by Elton John? Dad & I drove all over the state of Iowa participating in wrestling tournaments. To & from, TINY DANCER is a song that we listened to multiple times every trip. Every time I hear this song, I'm 7 years old again, headed to a wrestling tournament.
 |
| Your Song |
YOUR SONG reminds me of my formative years in college, when I began to really take hold of who I was civilly and socially. College was a tough & challenging time for me. I had thought I made the right choice by choosing Northwestern College, but I found out soon enough that I had not. Looking back, I wonder if a part of it was because I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. Or maybe it was that I was to go through a dramatic change that I wasn't prepared for. I'm not sure. What I am sure of, is that YOUR SONG helped me to make a stand one day for something that I strongly believed in. Northwestern College during the time I attended was a deeply religiously conservative institution. Homosexuality was frowned upon & homosexual were not well received. A lot of hateful language spewed. There was a girl in particularly who had a lot of negative opinions about homosexuals & she was very keen on making her position known. "Hell fire and brimstone for the gays!" In America we have the first amendment, which grants each one of us the right to express ourselves through the freedom of speech. However, as I told her, who ironically enough with a very gifted singing voice enjoyed belting out, YOUR SONG, why would you want such a horrendous fate for someone who had co-written a song your obviously a big fan of? I found it obtuse that someone who had such disdain for homosexuals would show off her immense skill of singing, with a song by a homosexual. I'm not sure what effect I had on her by pointing this out to her, other than pissing her off in the moment. Maybe that's all it did for her. For me though, it had a more monumental effect. It made me realize that I care more about being fair & just to the character of people, than I do using scripture to justify harsh criticism, judgement & action against them for their sexuality. If there be a God & he has that much of a problem with it, then it's his business to deal with, not mine. If he has a problem with me defending homosexuals, befriending them & being an ally of them, I'm ok with that. Be there a God, I'd rather stand in front of him with him pissed off at me that I was a friend, than I would stand before him knowing I had been an asshole. "You weren't as much of a prick to gays as you should have been!" I know many who do believe this, but to me it is just asinine. If God is real, I can't see him holding this position. But for those of you that think he does.... May he kick me hard in the ass on my way down to Hell yelling those very words.
 |
| Benny & The Jets |
Personally I like this song, but it always brings up a funny memory for me. My Dad, being the biggest Elton John fan I know, for some reason hated this song. He loved damn near everything Elton John, but not BENNY & THE JETS. I can remember sitting at his house & he'd have 4 Elton John CD's playing on his master stereo system. He'd be in the kitchen cooking supper, or he'd be on the couch taking a nap, or maybe he'd be downstairs doing a load of laundry. Didn't matter what he was doing, once BENNY & THE JETS came on, he'd jog to the stereo & immediately skip it to the next song. I remember once flipping through the channels one night after school. Elton John was on Oprah. Dad came in the room and started watching it with me. After asking him some questions, Oprah asked him to play a song. What did he pick? BENNY & THE JETS. Dad snatched the remote out of my hand, changed the channel & waited about 3 minutes. Once he thought the song was over, he turned it back.
 |
| The Bitch Is Back |
I'm no Weird Al Yankovich, but I have always enjoyed writing parodies of songs. The Bitch is Back was one of the first ones I ever wrote. We had a kid in our class named Mitchell Hammes, who during Health Class one day expressed to us that he wished he was black. He was convinced that if he were black, all of the girls at school that he was interested in would want him. I found this to be rather comical, so I took THE BITCH IS BACK & I made a parody of it. Don't remember all of it, but I can still recite one of the lines.
"Oh Mitch, Oh Mitch, Oh Mitchell wanna be black. Masta P or Tupac as a matter of fact."
 |
| Can You Feel The Love Tonight |
The song was very popular when it first came out. Seems like it was played on the radio all the time. One night my sister & I were listening to it. We had never heard the term vagabond before. We had no idea what it meant. So we called my Dad up on the phone. He explained what a vagabond was to us & I remember being so impressed that he knew. My Dad at least back in those days, always devalued his intelligence because he didn't have a college degree. Yet despite his lack of a college education, my dad in many ways was a very smart man.
 |
| Candle In The Wind |
CANDLE IN THE WIND was always the song that humanized Elton John to me. The song that reminded me that he was once Reggie Dwight, a young kid who had his heroes he looked up to, the same way I looked up to him. "From a young man in the 22nd row, who saw you as something more than sexual. More than just our Marilyn Monroe." I've always loved that line. It speaks volumes of how what a person is, may very be why we know them, but it is WHO a person is, that often leads to why we love them.
 |
| Crocodile Rock |
CROCODILE ROCK has much the same sentiment that TINY DANCER does. It was one of those songs that whether we were traveling to/from a wrestling practice, a wrestling tournament or a theatre practice or a theatre performance, it was one we always listened to. I'm a very nostalgic person. One who tries to hold on to the good parts of life as long as I can & often looks back on them with fond memories once they're over. It's a bittersweet song about longing for the past, which is something I often do.
 |
| Circle Of Life |
Depression has been a big part of my life. Happy to say we don't spend as much time together as we used to. There was a time in my life when we were joined at the hip. As Chucky would say, "we were f'n inseparable." I'd like to believe a day might come when depression is nothing more for me than a memory. Something I haven't seen in a long time & never will again. I don't think that will ever happen. I think despondency will always a find a way to dance its way into my life. Music can often help get through these troublesome times. I've always found CIRCLE OF LIFE to be a song of hope. A song of inspiration. One that I've often turned to in times of despair.
 |
| Daniel |
I've always loved this song. I've loved it for well over 30 years. Yet it's within the last 15 years that the song has taken on new meaning for me. As I said earlier in this post, my time at Northwestern College was a very challenging time in my life. One that would have been so much more difficult had it not been for a select few people. One of those people was my best friend during my college years, Cheung Yeung "Dan" Kim. When I hear DANIEL, I immediately think of him. I've never known anyone in my life that was more like me than Dan. I don't think I ever will either. I haven't heard from him in over 15 years now. I have no idea what happened to him. Not sure if I'll ever find out, but I miss him. He had a real impact on my life.
 |
| Don't Go Breaking My Heart |
I try and remember back as far as I can sometimes. What are my first memories of life? The first things I saw? The first things I heard? DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART brings these thoughts, visions, sounds and smells back to me. I'm not even sure why, but when the song comes on the radio, I'm three years old again.
 |
| Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me |
On a very serious note, this song speaks to the depths of my inner being. You hear lyrics sometimes, and even though you've never met the person & they know nothing about you, you can't help but think they were writing about your life. I'm growing tired and time stands still before me is a line that describes how I've felt most of my adult life. I can't tell you how many times in my life, when it comes to my goals & my dreams, I've felt that the sun was specifically going down on me.
On a more humorous note, the song involved a mondegreen for my father when it first came out back in 1974. He was a freshman in high school, already a huge Elton John fan. The actual lyrics were, don't discard me. Yet my Dad couldn't make out what Elton was saying. He swore he was saying, don't fart on me. He knew good & well that couldn't have been the actual line, but he wondered for years what was really being sang. We didn't have the handy dandy internet nearly 50 years ago, so it wasn't until he got a cassette with lyrics written in the paper that he finally learned what was actually being said.
 |
| Elderberry Wine |
Now we'll talk about one of my mondegreens, even though I think it was more me being biased than anything else. For years I always would sing along with this song saying, "Echelberry" wine. Echelberry was my Great Grandma Alta Stonebraker's last name before she got married.
 |
| Empty Garden |
Five years before I came into this world, John Lennon was shot & killed by Mark David Chapman. An incident that had a monumental effect as well as an aftermath that lingers to this very day. Elton has done such a good job of keeping the memory of those he cared about alive through his music. Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana & here John Lennon. Through poetic metaphor the song speaks of how Chapman's assassination of Lennon, did more than kill Lennon. It effected how all celebrities interact with their fanbase. We started seeing a lot more bodyguards & protection. We started seeing celebrities interact with their fans less and less. Chapman created a stigma of fear. Elton captures all of this so eloquently in this beautiful song.
 |
| Funeral For a Friend |
 |
| Goodbye Yellow Brick Road |
I'll forever cement this song in my memory as the first vacation that my sister Sara & I took with my Dad after my parents' divorce. In the same trip where my Dad turned down the Elton John concert, on the flight from Chicago to Philadelphia, they had headphones so you could listen to music. I swear Goodbye Yellow Brick Road must have played at least a dozen times.
 |
| Honky Cat |
For the younger generation, the cassette tape & how they worked might not be something they grasp or fully understand. In "newer" cars there was a button you could push that would stop a song at the start, should you rewind or fast forward. With older cars, you kinda had to guess. On a particular cassette of my Dad's, HONKY CAT came right before one of the songs my Dad liked more. I always heard the tail end of HONKY CAT, asking if we could listen to the whole thing. It was years and years before I heard the song in its entirety.
 |
| I Guess That's Why The Call It The Blues |
I can't tell you how many times during a challenging time in my life, I went out got into my car & drove around jamming out to this classic.
 |
| Sad Songs (Say So Much) |
This song holds a very special place in my heart, because it reminds me of the importance of writing about and sharing about the negatives in our lives. I'm often told & I often hear other people talk about always trying to be positive & always writing about positive things. I think it's good be positive & it's good to keep an optimistic attitude. But it's also foolish, dishonest & irresponsible to ignore the pain, the misery and the suffering. These are all a part of life. We all feel these things & go through these emotions. A part of what makes them tolerable is knowing we're not alone in feeling them. I've already written about a few painful memories in this dedication to Elton. Some might have the attitude that I should have kept those out. No I shouldn't have. They were a very real part of my life & Elton John, through his music helped me to get through them. That's a very real thing & SAD SONGS is a reminder of that.
 |
| I'm Still Standing |
I can't tell you the number of times in my life I've had people come into my life, knock me down & hope that I never get up. I think one of the reasons I have such large, well defined triceps is because of all the times I've had to push myself up off the ground. Life's knock me on my ass so many times, but at the end of the day I'M STILL STANDING.
 |
| Rocket Man |
I've wanted to be successful & famous my entire life. As you get older, people want you to not only keep such a dream to yourself, but it's almost as if they insist that you become as bitter & dismissive as they are. I've felt drained myself many times over the years, but never enough to try and suck the life out of others. That's a human trait that I'm glad to say I'm missing. From wrestling, to pro wrestling, to acting, to writing, I've always wanted my talents & my work to shine. I've spent so much time thinking about the pros & the positives of finally making. Finally getting to that point in life I've longed for, that I haven't taken much, if any time at all to consider the cons and the negatives. ROCKET MAN helped me to do that. To take into consideration the lows & the prices paid for such a life, should it ever happen. The pressures & the responsibilities.
On a more humorous note, I have a funny story concerning ROCKET MAN. Even though I can't sing & have absolutely no musical talent at all, I can often my caught off in my own world singing to myself. One day during my freshman year of college I was standing in line at the Cafeteria. I was singing ROCKET MAN. Suddenly a student from Kenya named Franklin Yarty turned around and looked at me.
"Shut up. You are horrible. Nobody want to listen to you."
That's been almost 20 years ago & it still brings a huge smile to my face.
 |
| Levon |
And here we have my all time favorite Elton John song. I don't know if I can think of an opening that I love more than the beginning piano. There are so many reasons I love this song. I'm not even sure if I know them. For one, I love the creativity & imagination of this song. It's all made up. Levon comes from one of Elton's favorites of all time Levon Helm of The Band. Which ironically enough, is also a favorite of mine. To further the coincidence, David Perner who wrote my all time favorite song RUNAWAY TRAIN list Elton John as one of his favorites. I suppose it does make sense, but I didn't know any of this for years. It's simply that RUNWAY TRAIN, LEVON & THE WEIGHT were three of my all time favorite songs & years later I learned that Elton was a fan of Levon & David was a fan of Elton's. I guess when I hear the song, I think of people & how we all have our stories. Levon, Alvin & Jesus Tostig may not be real people, but nevertheless their story resonates because it is so relatable.
Monday, June 19, 2023
Filling out Swayz's 1992 Royal Rumble KOR Bracket
Ha ha! This would be 29 matches for a single PPV! Probably over doing it. I personally would have cut this in half & gone with a 16 man bracket. But anyway, let's talk this out.
Round 1
Face Bulldog gets a bye
Heel Jake "The Snake" Roberts Vs Face "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
If I'm booking this out, I'm gonna have Jake use his devious, dirty and malicious ways to outsmart Duggan. Get him to go for his three point stance, miss it & immediately get hit with the DDT.
Face Texas Tornado Vs Heel Colonel Mustafa
Doing the math, if this were a 3 hour WWE PPV, matches would have to be about 9 1/2 minutes a piece. That includes interviews, entrances & exits. To cut down on time, some of these matches would have to be in & out. Here's where I'd do one of my in & out finishes. Have both make there entrances. As Von Erich is taking off his jacket, Mustafa attacks him from behind. He throws Von Erich into the ropes, puts his head down & Kerry responds with a vicious Tornado Punch to get the 1-2-3. Could keep this one under a minute.
Heel Barbarian Vs Heel "The Model" Rick Martel
Heel Vs Heel matches were really rare in the early 90's. I think the fans would be more likely to get behind Barb than they would Martel. I say have this one end in a DQ. Have Martel at some point try and use his Arrogance cologne as a weapon.
Heel Jerry Sages Vs Heel Sid Justice
Another Heel Vs Heel match. Sid's character is way too strong to even tease an upset here. Make it another quick match. I think Sid could get Sags up for a Powerbomb, although Jerry is a pretty big dude.
Face Big Bossman Vs Face Undertaker
I never liked Big Bossman as a face. I've always felt, even back when it happened that Akeem should have been the one to turn face & they should have kept Bossman a heel. I mean look at the guy's WRESTLEMANIA 6 interview. They're in Toronto, Canada & he ends his promo by shouting at the Canadian fans, "And most of all, I'm PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!!" It doesn't get much more heelish than that. Maybe this match against the Undertaker would be a good spot to turn him heel again. Could have it where he's getting his ass handed to him by Taker & he pulls out a pair of handcuffs to trap Taker to the top rope. He then pulls out his nigh stick & does a number on Taker, severely injuring him for the next round.
Face Nikolai Volkoff Vs Face Randy Savage
Ooh, this would have worked so much better if one of these guys was still a heel at this time. Unfortunately they're both faces, and the quick Savage attack from behind isn't going to work here. I mean if Volkoff were a heel & Savage were a face, it could work. It could also work if Volkoff were the face & Savage were a heel. You have Volkoff singing in the middle of the ring, Savage hits him with a double axehandle from behind & then the elbow drop, 1-2-3. But with both of them being faces, gotta come up with a plan B. I say a 3-5 minute match, Savage hits the elbow & gets the W.
Heel Haku Vs Face Sgt Slaughter
This is shortly after Slaughter's face turn if I remember correctly. We had managers back in these days, so might as well utilize them too. Heenan at this time was doing more commentary & stepping away from the managing but I'm sure he'd still do a few here & there. I say have Heenan interfere when Slaughter has the match all but won & the distraction allows Haku to hit his big kick for the W.
Heel Dibiase gets a bye
Face Roddy "Rowdy" Piper Vs I.R.S.
You know I kinda like the idea of Money-Incorporated "exploding." Ted Dibiase & Mike Rotundo are both classically trained technical experts. It could be a great R2 match looking at it strictly from a wrestling perspective. However, from a character perspective, knocking out Roddy this early makes no sense. Gonna have to go with a Piper win here. Maybe we could have Dibiase try & interfere, but it backfires & Piper catches ole Irwin in a Sleeper.
Heel Repo Man Vs Face Virgil
Oh boy! Here's the match that's gonna sell tickets! Give Repo a quick win with that finisher of his his that I don't think they ever gave a name.
Face Tito Santana Vs Face Hulk Hogan
Believe it or not, at this time WWE knew it was losing Hogan & they actually considered Santana to be a replacement. They were considering hitting the markets of Mexico, Latin America & South America & wanted a strong Latino/Hispanic presence. Who better at the time than Tito? This could have been a good tester to see how the fans reacted to Tito in a respected one on one contest with Hogan. Maybe the best way to handle this, would be for Hogan to get a kayfabe injury. I'm trying to think of the best way to get Tito over here & I think that'd be it. Let's have this sequence. Hogan goes for his big boot, Tito ducks & comes back with a flying forearm. This sends Hogan out of the ring. Hogan tweaks his knee & can't go on. Tito comes out & helps Hogan up, but Hogan wanting to be the bigger man encourages Tito to get back in the ring to beat the count so he can advance in the tournament. I think this scenario would keep Hogan strong while also building Tito.
Heel Ric Flair Vs Heel Warlord
Now this is an interesting matchup. My first question is, could Flair get those huge massive legs wrapped up in a Figure Four? My second question is, would do anyone any good to have the Warlord submit? One way or the other, gotta figure out a way to get Flair over in this one. We already had a knee injury in the match before, so we can't double dip there. Probably gonna have to go with Flair's Consecutive Consultant Mr. Perfect interfering in this match to get Flair the W.
Heel Hercules Vs Face Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
Here's a more cut and dry match. Have Superfly hit the "Superfly Splash" after a back & forth battle with Herc.
Face Greg "The Hammer" Valentine Vs Heel Berzerker
Much like in the Flair Vs Warlord match, gotta wonder if Greg could wrap those huge legs up in the Figure Four or not. I say he could, so let's end this one with a submission for the Hammer.
Heel Skinner Vs Heel Shawn Michaels
I don't think the fans would mind seeing pretty boy Shawn Michaels get a face full of tobacco spit, so I think that'd be a good opener. However, gonna have Shawn outwrestle the Alligator man & hit him with the teardrop suplex for the win.
ROUND 2
Face British Bulldog Vs Heel Jake "The Snake" Roberts
I personally wouldn't mind seeing an English Bulldog rip a devenomized King Cobra to shreds, but such an act of animal cruelty, especially if it were deliberate wouldn't go over very well. So we'll keep Winston away from Jake's unnamed Cobra. However, the threat of the Cobra biting Winston could be used to our advantage here. Perhaps in the pre-interview, Bulldog has said he can't find Winston anywhere. Then it is revealed that Jake has Winston & he let the Cobra bite Winston. Unless Winston gets medical attention immediately he's going to die. Talk about heat. WWE's audience in the early 90's was mostly kids. Can you imagine how angry little boys & girls would be if they thought Davey's dog might die from a Cobra bite? This would turn Jake #1 heel. Bulldog is forced to forfeit the match to get Winston antivenom as fast as he can.
Face Texas Tornado Vs Heel Barbarian
A good ole strength Vs strength match, with Tornado coming out on top after a discuss punch.
Heel Sid Vs Face Undertaker
Let's continue with Bossman's heel push as he comes out to help Sid get a W over Taker.
Face Randy Savage Vs Heel Haku
Good 5-7 match with Savage coming out on top with the Elbow drop.
Heel Ted Dibiase Vs Face Roddy Piper
I.R.S comes back to extract a little revenge & help Dibiase get a W over Piper
Heel Repo Man Vs Face Tito Santana
Arriba! Quick win with a quick flying forearm.
Heel Ric Flair Vs Face Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
Flair hits Snuka with the Figure Four after Jimmy misses a top rope Superfly Splash.
Face Greg "The Hammer" Valentine Vs Heel Shawn Michaels
A Figure Four Vs Figure Four match of Flair Vs Valentine intrigues me for the Quarter-finals, but I think the seller here is to have Michaels go over Valentine here, so we can see Michaels Vs Flair. Shawn was using the teardrop suplex as his finisher around this time, but I think here would be a good place for Shawn to get a W with his crescive side kick, which wouldn't be known as "Sweet Chin Music" for quite some time.
QUARTER-FINALS
Heel Jake "The Snake Roberts" Vs The Texas Tornado
By the time, the fans are dying to see someone take Jake out. All the more reason to have Jake hit the DDT & move on into the Semi-finals.
Heel Sid Vs Face Randy Savage
Getting Sid to do a clean job would have been pulling teeth, no doubt about it, but that's what I would want here. Savage over again with a top rope elbow drop.
Heel Ted Dibiase Vs Face Tito Santana
With I.R.S. & Hogan both trying to interfere, a double DQ
Heel Ric Flair Vs Heel Shawn Michaels
Shawn Michaels is able to outsmart "The Nature Boy" as a plan to cheat backfires on Flair & Perfect.
SEMI-FINALS
Jake "The Snake" Roberts Vs Randy Savage
Savage extracts revenge for the Bulldog, as he heads into the Finals to face Shawn Michaels.
FINALS
Randy Savage Vs Shawn Michaels
This is a match that Randy really wanted to have happen. Lanny Poffo talks about it a lot. Savage wanted to do a big match with Shawn, but McMahon wasn't keen to it for one reason or another. Here's where we could make it happen. I say have a great match between the two & Savage prevails with the top rope elbow drop.
Monday, February 27, 2023
If You've Ever Felt Like Killing Yourself, You're Not Alone.
Ashley and I went to see A Man Called Otto tonight. A great film that I highly recommend. A film about loss & also about gain. It hit hard on the topics of depression. The main character throughout the film tries to kill himself on four occasions, failing each time. The film resonated with me because I've been there. I've been there three times in my life. I'm certainly not proud of it, but I'm also not ashamed of it either. What I am ashamed of is if anyone has ever felt like taking their life, that I may have done or said something to them, that would make them afraid to share that with me. We live in such a judgmental and critical society. People are more concerned with making you feel a coward or ashamed of yourself or embarrassed, than they are trying to get to the root of your pain. We'd do ourselves a lot more good as a people if we asked ourselves "why would he/she want to do that?" with the intention of actually finding out, rather than asking, "why would he/she want to do that?" as a rhetorical question, answering it ourselves with a mocking, "they shouldn't."
I was in junior high the first time I seriously contemplated suicide. I had taken an extension cord and tied it to a pipe in the basement. I hung on it, the way Tarzan would I suppose, to make sure that it could hold my weight. Then I made a makeshift noose, stood on top of the couch & went to put it around my neck. Right before I slipped it over my head, my cat Abner attacked me. Came over and bit me right on the foot. I shooed him away & went to put the noose over my head again. Again, Abner attacked me. It was almost as if he knew what I was trying to do and he wasn't going to let me do it. He saved my life that day. I suppose that's why I took his death so hard when he was hit by a car later on that year. I suppose that's why I still think of him often. I suppose that's why I'm so protective over cats.
The second time I seriously contemplated suicide was 2-15-2004. It was a Sunday. That Saturday, 2-14-2004, I had taken 3rd place at the Sectional wrestling tournament. A tournament where you had to place 1st or 2nd in order to advance to the next tournament. I had made my deceased sister Sydney a promise that I was going to win her a medal from the High School State championships. Wrestling had been my life from the day I made her that promise on 3-3-1998, until the very second my semi-final match at sectionals ended & I had lost. It's all I knew. It's all I was. I had worked so hard, sacrificed so much & now it was over. Her death was hard enough, but knowing that I had failed her was unbearable. That Sunday morning, I told my Dad that I was going over to a teammate's house. Where I really went was the Manhattan Bridge. A bridge out in the middle of nowhere. A special spot that I had always liked.
It was cold. Much colder than the winter we've had this year. Snow was on the ground but it had been cleared off the roads. I parked my car on the gravel near the bridge & went up and stood on side, looking over the railing at the water running over the rocks below. Funny enough, my thoughts weren't about my sorrow. Believe it or not they were more practical. I wondered if the fall alone would kill me. I figured that'd be the best way to go. Yet it wasn't all that far of a drop. So I figured that I might just break my legs or my back or something. I'd lie there in excruciating pain before hypothermia might kick in. Worse yet, I might land where I was paralyzed to move with my head under water & I might drown. Then I thought of other things. I had visions and memories of events that seemed to have no purpose. I thought of the time when a stranger had helped me get ketchup I couldn't reach at a McDonalds when I was a kid. I thought of a time when my mom had woken me up in the middle of the night & we drove all the way to Marshalltown. Why I thought of these things, I don't know. I can't say for sure why I eventually got back into my car and drove home.
I guess it's because I thought at the time I'd eventually find some answers or in the least I'd find peace with knowing that I never would. I'm often very bitter about my experience at Northwestern College & I'm about to reveal to you why. I went into Northwestern College thinking that I'd find some answers as to why I felt the way I did. Why things happened the way they did. To say that there weren't any open hearts would be a lie. There were a handful. Kailen Fleck, Tony Hofteizer, Lindsay Squires, Professor Taylor. There were a few. Yet for the most part it was the polar opposite of what I was expecting. I was expecting a world full of understanding, empathy, sensitivity and love. Instead, with exception to a few, it was a world of cruel, harsh judgment. Open up about your depression, alienation. Open up about your suicidal thoughts, excommunication. My college best friend Cheung Yeung "Dan" Kim & I talked about this often. He suffered from a lot of the same issues that I did & for that matter still do. I haven't seen Dan in 15 years. I wonder sometimes if he did end his life.
When I finally left Northwestern College in April of 2007, I left with a "kick ass" mentality. This world wasn't gonna get the best of me. Stephen Stonebraker may not have made it as a high school wrestler, but he was gonna be a somebody in something. I tried my hand at acting. I tried my hand at professional wrestling. I tried making it in a numerous amount of endeavors. All that happened was a lot of time went by.
It was June of 2014 when I contemplated ending my life again. I had broken up with my girlfriend Melissa in February. I looked in the mirror & realized that my entire life had been nothing but a series of failures, disappointments, tragedies and letdowns. I had so many goals & not a single one of them had been achieved. The only thing I had left in my life was writing. It was the only thing. I know a lot of people have a hard time relating to what I'm saying now, but being different doesn't make you wrong. I've always had a deep, rooted and passionate desire to be successful. To really stick out and be somebody. To be special. Not everyone has that, but I did. Maybe I still do. All I know is that at the time I felt that I had tried, and I had failed. I had no desire to keep on living if all I was gonna do was get up, go to work, come home, eat, take a dump, repeat.
I had gone on a couple of dates with a girl named Loni. We weren't compatible sexually, romantically or intimately, but we appreciated one another in other ways. Both deep, philosophical thinkers we enjoyed conversing. She was a rather depressed individual herself. She also dealt with an assortment of physical health issues. She mixed me up some pills one night. One was an anti-nausea pill that would prevent me from throwing up. Another was an extremely strong sleeping pill. The others a mixture of a lethal dosage that would do me in. I kept those pills in my bathroom drawer for quite a long time.
I'd take them out and look at them sometimes. Why I never ended up taking them? My mother. There a lot of reasons as of right now why I'm glad I didn't take them, but at the time? There was only one reason. My mother. As rotten, low, worthless, depressed and miserable as I felt at the time, I couldn't do that to my mother. She had already lost one child. I refused to make her go through that again.
I eventually flushed those pills down the toilet. A short while later, Loni is how I ended up getting Peanut. A while after that, I stopped hearing from Loni. I figured she for one reason or another just decided to cut me off and stop talking to me. That wasn't the case. Loni had actually killed herself. I never found out how exactly she did it, but I've always wondered if it might have been the same cocktail of pills that she had given me.
I've admitted very little of this to a very, very small amount of people. I know how cruel, judgmental and evil this world can be. It's not like it isn't that way now. It still is. There are people out there that would love to know this information about me. Would love to be able to use it against me. Would have fun making fun of me for it or taunting me about it. We aren't short of psychopaths. We got plenty.
So why do I share it? Because I know what it feels like to feel alone. As if everyone else around you is happy, content and satisfied. As if you're the only one who is depressed. The only one with feelings of anger, bitterness, regret and pain. I know what that feels like.
And it's not like my life is now a parade of successes, triumphs and victories. It's not. My life is still full of failures, disappointments, heartache and headache. I think one of the biggest misconceptions we give people. Life is still gonna be challenging. It's still gonna be rough. It's still at times, going to just plain suck.
My aunt Shirley taught me a trick years ago when I first told her about my depression, how bad it was and my suicide attempts. Whereas my Dad just got pissed off at me & acted as if I shouldn't feel the way I feel, Shirley gave me an idea to help me fight suicide should it ever enter my mind again.
Lottery tickets.
My Grandpa thinks lottery tickets are the biggest waste of money and he gets so angry when I finds out that I've bought some. I promise you, they aren't a waste of money. Not when you buy them for the reasons I buy them. I mean after all, how can you end your life on a Tuesday, when if you stuck around, you'd be a millionaire on a Thursday? The way my life has been, that's exactly what would happen. It all comes to an end & if I had just stuck it out a couple more days, I'd be sippin lemonade on the beaches of San Diego.
It's been almost 9 years since I last contemplated suicide. In those 9 years plenty has happened to where you'd think it would have crept its way back into my mind. It hasn't. Why? Perspective change. I'm still writing. It's not like I've given up on that. I'm working on a co-written novel as we speak. I still want to be a success too. I dream of being read. I dream of being in libraries and book stores. I dream of giving talks, signing autographs. Staying at home being paid to work on my next novel. It's not like I don't want that anymore. It's simply that I've come to peace with the idea of it not working out. I've come to peace with maybe I'm not good enough & maybe I never will be. Success is something I still desire, but at the same time won't fall completely apart without. It's something I welcome with arms wide open, but not something I absolutely have to have to be complete. My goal now is peace. I find that in Ashley. I find that within my pets. I find that within lifting weights at the gym. I've made a ton of changes in my life the past 3 years & it's all very simple. Anything that moves me closer to peace, I hold on to. Anything that moves me further away, I let go of.
And that is why this, my story of suicide went from being such a difficult thing to share and be open about to something I can share freely. Give me all the judgment, criticism, ridicule and shame the world can throw my way. If sharing this helps one person, one single person in some way, then it was worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)