The past nearly year and a half of my life, nearly 100% of the writing that I have been doing has been for a novel that I'm co-writing with an accomplice or something for my amateur wrestling website Johnnythompsonnum1. I'm burnt out for the time being and right now I need a break. Of course being me, the strange, weird anomaly that I am, I will take a break from writing by writing. In the awkwardness of it all, it is oddly enough quite normal.
With the recent death of Ronnie Spector, I heard a radio discussion this morning that really interested me. A man said that growing up he was a huge Eddie Money fan and that the song, Take Me Home Tonight that Money did with Spector was a song that always spoke to him. It reminded him of being young. Of being wild and having those crazy nights of going out and looking for women. Of how he was once young, full of spunk and energy and how that song always brought him back to that period of his life whenever he heard it. As his muscles ached, as his hair greyed and as his eyes told him as he looked in the mirror, time had gotten the best of him, but his ears, as they listened to Money and Spector blurt out, "Be my little baby" allowed him to be young again, if only for a moment.
It made me wonder, what are the songs of my life? What songs represent me, who I am and who I want to be? What I've gone through and what I have yet to experience. These are NOT a list of my all time favorite songs. That list would be similar yet different. While I love these songs and they would make a favorite list, these songs are more along the lines of what would play in the background if there were ever a biopic of me.
Allow me to take a chapter from Doug Walker's (The Nostalgia Critic) book and give you the top 12 (because I like to go TWO steps beyond) songs of my life.
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| 12 Comfortably Numb Pink Floyd |
Life has changed exponentially for me over the years. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm not even the same person I was nearly two years ago. When I was young I used to be full of so much energy and spirit. I had such lofty goals and I was going to achieve them all. I had a work ethic second to no one, and I lived, ate, slept and shit my dreams. Yet so much has happened since then. My life has been a series of disappointments, tragedies, letdowns, and heartache. Salty, bitter, I certainly try not to be but I'm also not a liar or a denier either. I refuse to live a life of falseness within sugar coated bullshit, because uninformed ignorant judgers want to label me pessimistic. I'm not pessimistic. I haven't given up. I still have the same goals I've always had, but things have changed.
I still want what I wanted 18 years ago. I just want it for different reasons than what I did then. Before it was all about being a somebody, proving to myself that I have purpose and that I'm a somebody. I'd be lying to you if I said I've completely lost that desire. I still have it. It still dwells within me, but it is no longer my driving force. Today, the fire the lights within my soul is one of peace. Peace is really where I want to be. Freedom to read and write when I want to read and write. Freedom to walk my dog, and play with her and my cat whenever I feel like it. That's what I want.
And where does Comfortably Numb fit into all of this? I don't take loss as hard as I once did. Years ago whenever I'd face a major setback or a huge disappointment I used to take it so hard. If Jason had done to me what he did to me in April of 2020, 10 years prior, I don't know if I would have survived it. It very well could have killed me. Do I still get angry? Do I still have moments where I break down and just let the tears flow? Oh yeah, you bet. BUT, they're not a major part of my life like they once were. I don't fear disappointments, hardships and tragedies anymore. That's the "numb" and the "comfortableness" I have within it.
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| 11 I Won't Back Down Tom Petty |
If I can be completely vulnerable and give myself to you in absolute honesty, I have to admit that for much of my life I have felt that life was against me. That it had something against me. I sometimes think of life as a fight. As if there is something out there that is doing all it can to get me to give up. That it has been trying for 25 years to get me to throw in the towel and finally call it quits for good. Whatever it is, does it not realize that after all of the shit that it has put me through, that giving up isn't going to happen? All of the immense pain, heartache and suffering I've experienced. All of the sacrifices that I have made. If I haven't given up yet, I never will. I Won't Back Down is a representation of that tenacity. A symbolism of my relentless perseverance. "You can stand me up at the gates of Hell, but I won't back down."
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| 10 Reflections Diana Ross & The Supremes |
Over the years I have become more and more introverted. I wouldn't quite call myself a misanthrope but give me enough money to live off the grid, I'd become as close to a recluse as a person can get without being a recluse. I cannot stand how unfair, unreasonable, inconsiderate, insensitive and sociopathic people are. There are a lot of good people on this planet. You're probably one of them. I have been privileged to have known and that I continue to know some of them. I'd like to think of myself as one, or at least a decent one. Yet, there are so many people on this planet that are just shit, absolute shit. I've known too many of them. Way too many of them and I don't wanna know anymore. I don't wanna meet anymore. I want every shit person I've known in my life to be in my past. I don't want any for my future. I know I will though. It's inevitable. All of these thoughts I just expressed are what I feel every time I hear Reflections.
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| 9 Someday I'm Gonna Ride In a Cadillac Charlie Major |
At near 37 years of age, I hope I have a lot of life left to live. I hope I have a lot of life left to experience. I hope to be a positive impact and influence in more people's lives. I hope to have and be a friend to more people. As I long for more good people in my life, I want to be a good one that comes into there's. Don't care to be used, exploited or abused as I have been, but to the genuine and sincere out there in the world, I hope to be another positive in their lives. I sometimes wonder what the Hell my purpose is, if I even have one at all. It may not seem like much to many, but I take it very seriously and I did all I could to give Miss Peanut the best life I could give her. I strive to give Miss Ruby and Miss Marquee as much love as I can give them. People think I'm sometimes joking when I say that I zero interest in going to a people Heaven, but if you want to talk to me about getting into Dog and/or cat Heaven you now have my attention. Thing is, I'm not. I'm 100% serious.
Now, I do hope that one day I'll discover that I had other purposes in life. That there was another reason I exist and that I was meant to do other things too. Yet, I also realize that the day of realization that I have pictured since I was a wee little boy that barely knew how to read may never come. That the moment of laying in a hospital bed knowing the end of my life is near without having that question answered is a reality I might face one day. I get that. That's where, Someday I'm Gonna Ride in a Cadillac comes in.
I don't wanna die anytime soon. I've been suicidal in my life & I have to admit that, but I'm not now. This isn't what this is about. This is about knowing that no matter how much life robs me and denies me of so many other things, it cannot rob me of death. Death will be a peace that I will one day be granted. Now maybe I'm wrong about that and maybe there is life after this one. And maybe because I didn't believe exactly the way someone else wanted me to, that life will be worse than this one. Yeah, that's a possibility I suppose. I don't give it my allegiance though and I'm not ever going to either.
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| 8 It's All For You Sister Hazel |
I never was a good wrestler. My name means nothing in the sport of wrestling and it never will. I was mediocre at best and that's being generous and optimistic. I never won any major tournaments, I never qualified for state. Yet wrestling was a huge part of my life for 12 years and it continues to be a huge part of my life. I won three hardest working wrestler of the year awards in high school. I gave so much of myself to the sport. I don't have the accolades, credentials and accomplishments that so many others have and I suppose there are a fair number of people out there that doubt me. That's fine. I know what i did. Those who were there, who actually witnessed me, know what I gave. My Coaches know how hard I worked. My teammates know. Many in the community of Sigourney, Iowa know. Witnesses mean more than assumers. It's All For You brings all of the emotions I have from wrestling into a consumed medley of three and a half minutes. My devotion and dedication. What went wrong and how I could have possibly fixed it. The peace I finally came to with it.
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| 7 The Heart of The Matter Don Henley |
Forgiveness has been a big part of my life. First and foremost learning to forgive myself. I've done some wrongs in my life and it's been hard to forgive myself for them. I've made some honest mistakes in my life and it's been hard to forgive myself for those. It's been even harder for me to forgive whatever I'm angry at for the unfairness of those situations. Going to Northwestern College is a classic example. I truly felt at the time I was making the right decision. I know now how foolish of a choice that school was for me to go to, but I didn't know that at 18. At the time I felt I was making one of the best decision of my life. It's been hard for me to except that I have had to pay such a hefty price for a truly honest mistake. I didn't mean for that to be a mess up. I truly didn't & to know how much of a punishment it has been on my life, has made me bitter. It's been a journey to forgive that.
A lot of people have their opinions, judgments and criticisms on the fact that I no longer talk to my father. It may be very difficult to understand, but in essence it's all been about forgiveness. I'm just so sick of being angry. I'm so tired of being so worked up. I'm so sick of defending myself and getting into it with him over and over and over again. I don't wanna be angry anymore. I don't wanna be mad. I don't wanna hurt. I'll never ever be given credit for this, but God damn did I try and make things right and mother f'er did I try for such a long f'n time. All my Dad has for me is judgment and criticism. That's it. He offers me nothing else and hasn't for over 15 years.
I'm not who or what he wants me to be. I'm not living the life that he wants me to live. He leaves me with one of three options. A, listen to the ridicule, judgment, putdowns, chastising and criticism and just take it. Just sit there and take it. B, listen to the ridicule, judgment, putdowns, chastising and criticism and give it right back. Remind him that he isn't perfect. Remind him that he made some mistakes along the way. Let him know all of his shortcomings and failures. I got too much pride and way too much of an attitude to do A & I'm too tired to do B. Even if he deserves it, I don't care to put people down. Not like that. Not in that way. That's a fight I don't care to have and I'm not going to have. So that leaves me with C & C is to just eliminate him and other negative people out of my life. I'm already one step ahead of you for those who suggest to talk to him about it and tell him how I feel. I did for close to 20 years. My Dad has always loved me. He always will love me, but he doesn't like me. I don't know for sure, but I'd say he hasn't like me in 22 years. Ever since I broke my back and it put an end to the idea of me ever being a successful athlete. I think that's when his dislike for me began & it's grown little by little ever since. He'll never forgive me for not being a huge success after college graduation. Some feel that it is his right considering how much $$ he spent on me to go to college. I get that to a degree. Believe it or not, I do sympathize with that, but here's the piece I know for a fact that they're missing. I MEANT TO. I wanted to be a success. I wanted things to turn out right. I did what I could to make them turn out that way. Impeccably? No, but my heart was in the right place.
The last thing my sister Sara said to me was, "You sure do think highly of yourself don't you?" I took what she said and I thought a lot about it. She's right. I do. And that's the problem. That's the issue that She and my father both have with me. They think so little of me. Think of me as a loser. Think of me as a piece of shit. And that's why they have such an issue with me, because I don't think of myself that way. Like Del Griffith in Planes, Trains and Automobiles, I like me. I'm honest, I'm fair, I'm genuine, I'm sincere, I'm raw and I'm real. I don't have a lot of money. I don't live in a brand new house. I don't drive a brand new car. I can't afford to take Ashley to Hawaii in June & turn around and spend a week in LA in September. Sorry. I'm not a Jason Janes. No one is ever going to one day say that I groomed them for 10 years & then completely robbed them of everything they had. That they thought of me as a friend and found out later that I wasn't. No one is ever gonna say that about me. So yeah, I like myself. They don't & that's The Heart of the Matter. I owe no one to give up the peace I have found by eliminating them from my life. It has been how I've been able to let go of that anger and hurt. Anyone can have a problem with it if they want to. I don't care.
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| 6 Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now (PERFECT STRANGERS THEME) Bryan Pomeranz |
It's such a quick, blink and you'll miss it moment within the show, but it has to be my all time favorite moment in television. When Larry Appleton opens up the Newpaper and sees his first article published for the first time. The since of accomplishment and pride that he feels. The moment of, "Finally, I've done it." I don't care how many times I've watched this scene, I never grow tired of it. Each time I am so happy for him and share within that success. Knowing how hard he worked and how bad he wanted it to happen. It may be a fictional moment in a fictional television program, but it's reminiscent to Mark Linn-Baker who played Larry. A struggling 25 year old actor, who got his big break. Just love the song that accompanies this moment. Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now.
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| 5 Pacing the Cage Bruce Cockburn |
Gawd, every lyric of this song speaks to the inner depths of my heart. I've never met Bruce Cockburn. Probably never will. He knows nothing of me or my existence, but I can't help but think he wrote this song for me. It is so poetic and Hell, the lyrics probably don't even mean what I think they mean. No doubt that what this song says to me, isn't what Cockburn intended. That's the beauty of music. That a song can become so powerful, that it takes a life of its own.
I've felt trapped my entire life. Held down. Always something in my way. More often than not fear. Often times substantiated fear. The opportunities to jump 5 feet onto a tempurpedic matress have been few and far between, and the opportunities to jump out of an airplane without a parachute into crocodile infested waters have been plentiful. The ride on the ship, with plenty of life boats, life preservers and a well seasoned captain hasn't been offered, but by George if I care to swim across unchartered waters full of rough waters, sharks and jellyfish, have at it. Excuses?
Yeah, that may very well be the case. Maybe I should have stopped waiting for the right moment. Maybe even though I might have literally died trying, I should have went for it anyway. There's a good chance that I wouldn't have made it. There's a good chance that I would have came back with my tail between my legs, but at least I would have tried. I've discovered that failure sucks, but to have never given it a shot sucks even more. There are certain dreams that are past me now. They're gone and I'm not getting them back. Like a tiger that dreams of living in the jungle, I find myself in the zoo that is life, in the circus that is someone else's dream, not mine. Back and forth I go, trapped, Pacing the Cage.
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| 4 The Waiting Tom Petty |
You cannot self diagnose yourself insane and ironically enough the very notion of thinking that you may be insane is proof that you are not. Nevertheless there has to be something loony about a guy who has failed as many times as I've failed who continues to try anyway. At this point in my life there is little to no reason for me to believe that I'm still going to make it as a writer, but I do. I've had nothing but disappointments, failures, rejections and people in important positions tell me that I don't have what it takes and I never will. I continue to write anyway. I continue to tell stories. Why? I don't even know if I know why anymore. Maybe it isn't my purpose. Maybe writing and storytelling isn't what I'm meant to do. Well, whatever, don't give a shit. It's what I love, so life or whatever consistently tells me to give up and quit can kiss my ass. I'm going to continue doing it. It's who I am. It's WHAT I DO. Do I believe that success will come along with it someday? Yes, I do. And that doesn't make me insane? The fact that it doesn't, that's insane.
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| 3 Mr. Jones The Counting Crows |
I've always been true to myself and I've always been true to my dreams. With all the reason in the world to, I've never given up on myself. This song is hard for me to talk about because it was the song that Jason and I used to represent ourselves & our dreams. Him as the director and me as the screenplay writer, we had a lot of goals. I thought of him as the Mr. Jones and the "me" as me. There may not be a Mr. Jones in my life anymore, but there is a me. And Me still believes in me. Me still has these desires and Me is going to realize them one day.
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| 2 Dancing In the Dark Bruce Springsteen |
I have wondered for years what in the Hell, "Dancing in the Dark" meant. Such a strange phrase. What in the world could Springsteen mean by it. I think years ago I figured it out. I stopped trying to find the subluminal message with in it. I stopped lookin at it metaphorically and I took it at its literal meaning. Dancing in the dark. What does it mean to dance in the dark? What does that look like? Well you can't see it. You can't experience it. Why? Cause it's happening in the darkness. It's happening in the pitch black. And if it's happening where people can't see it, then people don't know anything about it. I feel that way sometimes with my work. Overambitious? Arrogant? Think too much of myself. Yes, tell me an artist who truly wants to make it that doesn't. I do feel that I have some phenomenal ideas. I feel that I have stories inside of me that would make great films. That I have a talent within me in so many other fields, but that I spend my time Dancing In the Dark because I don't have the right platform to get my talents and abilities out to the right people. I do feel that I have a level of talent to get somewhere on that mountain. I'm not saying the top of it, but I do believe I belong somewhere on it.
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| 1 Against The Wind Bob Seger |
If there was ever a song written that illustrates my life to a T, Against the Wind is it. This has been my life. From start to right now, probably finish I have had the wind against me. Not to reiterate what I've written already, I think that may say enough.
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Are there other songs? Yep. I could have made this a top 15 or even a top 20. Maybe even a top 25. Who knows? Like a Rock another Bob Seger classic comes to mind, and boy does that one speak to my soul.
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