Wow, where do I start? In some ways, this year went by fast. In other ways, it went by slow. I didn't do a good job of recording events like I have in year's past. I'm sure I'll forget somethings.
Let's start with the positives.
Ashley Bunting - After I broke up with Melissa on February 21st, 2014 my intentions were to never date again. I was in love with Melissa, everything was perfect between the two of us, and I was hurt, pissed, scarred, you name it... that things had to end between us. To be honest, I still have nightmares and guilt trips about it sometimes. I didn't want to go through that ever again. Matter of fact, I never wanted to go through it at all. The explanations I give to others never seem to satisfy, so I won't try anymore to explain why I do not want t have children. I know that not having kids is the right thing for my life and that having kids is the right thing for Melissa's life. Therefore the best thing for both of us, was to say goodbye and go our separate ways. I went about it the wrong way, and I still beat myself up about it. I still tell myself that if I would have handled it in a better way that I'd still have my cats, nothing bad would have ever happened to Chester, Charlie or Reverend Black and Melissa and I would have ended on a happier note. I miss my cats a lot, feel personal responsibility for what happened to them and a lot of anger towards those who hurt them.
I don't let go of pain easily and forgiving myself has been a challenge. That's where Ashley comes in. I went out with her a few times, and before I even knew it, she had decided she liked me and she wanted me to be her boyfriend. I wasn't ready for it and I wasn't prepared, but that's the way it needed to be. If I were to have waited until I was ready and prepared, then I never would have had a girlfriend again, because that time never would have came.
She challenges me to let go and to open up again. She makes me face my fears. I worry about being hurt again. I worry about climbing to the mountain, only to get shoved off and splat straight on the bottom like I did with Melissa. The fear has made it difficult for me to trust. When we first started dating back in May of 2015, I found myself still occasionally flirting with other girls. Not because I wanted to cheat or because I wanted to leave her, but because I had a hard time believing that it was all real. I had a hard time believing that it was going to last and that she really did like me for who I am and was in love with not who she wanted me to be, but who I already am.
It's still a journey. It's still a work and progress. Our relationship is perfect for me though. She is cool with me not wanting to get married, as long as I am monogamous and loyal to her. She is cool with me never wanting to have kids. Her parents sometimes give her a hard time about it, but I don't think she'll give in to their demands. I hope that she is deciding that she doesn't want to have kids because that is what she wants. I hope she isn't changing her mind, and her goals for me. I've talked with her many times about this and she assures me for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with me, that she does not want to have kids either. I believe her and I trust her. She also realizes that she is a part of my life. A big part of my life, but that I also have my writing goals, my job, the gym, my friends and other parts of my life as well.
Some people give me a lot of shit because I don't talk about Ashley much and I don't mention her a lot on facebook. I do that purposefully because I'm not in a relationship to impress other people and I sure as Hell am not in a relationship so other people can give me their opinions on it. I think a lot of the reason Melissa and I weren't able to communicate as well as we should have was because of the influence of other people. My mom doesn't like to admit this, but I think she got it into Melissa's head that eventually I'd change my mind and give in to having kids. I spend a lot of time with Ashley, I'm good to her in many ways. Whether the rest of the world knows it or not, I don't care. She does.
Meeting new people has been a blessing in my life. Mike Houston, Scott Casber, Tony Hager and Brad Johnson in particularly stick out. Meeting Mike Houston, led to meeting Scott Casber, which led to meeting Tony Hager and Brad Johnson. Becoming a part of Takedownwrestle.com as a writer and radio co-host has been very rewarding. I've got to share my love, passion and knowledge with wrestling fans and I've been given a medium to share my writing talent as well. I love being a member of team takedown and I'm excited and enthusiastic about our future. I think we're going to continue to grow and prosper in 2016.
Trent Reedy has been the kick in the ass that I've needed a few times. We but heads on a lot of issues and we get on one another's nerves from time to time, but a lot of the reason I haven't given up on myself is because of his insistence that I can't. I fight depression. One of the reasons I fight depression is because I feel like a failure. I've written four, damn near five novels in the past 6 years and none of them are professionally published. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Telling myself that obviously I'm not good enough to be professionally published and I ought to throw in the towel and accept the fact that I'll write 90-120 novels in my life that no one will ever read. Trent reminds me of the excruciating and extraordinary work that it takes to become professionally published. He reminds me of how many times some of my favorite authors failed before they finally succeeded. He reminds me of how much time and effort I've already put into this, and how I can't quit now. I was meant to be a writer. It's what I'm meant to do. It may take forever before I get to that point, but I will get there. Trent has been a great role model in that regard to look up to. He thinks that I have what it takes, I simply need to learn and develop more and I'll get there. It may sound trivial to say this, but I say it in all sincerity. Having someone believe in you, does make a difference.
Joel Straube and Nicole Smith have taught me that sometimes friendships do last forever. I've lost some friends over the years and other friends, we're still friends, but our lives have drifted us apart. To know that Joel is still my friend long after 20 years, is a good feeling. We've been there for one another. He's someone I can turn to and have been able to turn to for a long time. We were once two kids, whose biggest concerns in life were whether to cheer for Shawn Michaels or Bret Hart at Wrestlemania. Now we're two adults, and our concerns are more serious, but we're still here for one another, the way two friends should be. I have no idea what the future holds. I hope I still know Joel when I'm old and senile and he's fighting the nurses for the candy bar they won't let him have due to his diabetes.
Nicole and I have been friends for a long time now too. Since sophomore year of high school I think. I hope we are many years from now too.
Now for the negatives....
Losing Allen Brown was tough. I never met Allen in person. Matter of fact, I have no idea what he looks like. He's simply someone I met online back in 2001, and someone I've exchanged emails, personal messages and phone calls with for the past 15 years. As a wanna be writer, you experience many disappointments and failures. You doubt yourself and your abilities. You sometimes find yourself looking in the mirror seeing nothing more than a talent-less piece of shit starring back at you. You can try and battle the demons of doubt all alone, but sometimes you need a friend to come and help you in the fight. That's where Allen came in. He asked me to write a story about a wrestling team for him, and that's where I came up with the idea for The 0 and All Harris Bulldogs. He was very influential and motivational in inspiring me to work hard and finish the novel. I'm glad to know that he was still alive to have read and critiqued the first rough draft of the novel. I hope I'm able to honor his memory in the future by having it be one of the books I professionally publish.
When I wrote my first article for takedownwrestle.com, Allen was the first person I sent a copy of it too. He was very happy for me and told me that he thought one day I'd be remembered as a passionate, knowledgeable, talented writer who had a great love for the sport of wrestling. I will miss Allen a lot. He was someone I often went to when I wanted to talk wrestling or writing. He was a good friend.
Megan Vance was a difficult loss too. I wish I knew Megan better than what I did. It would seem over the past few years that I should have, considering in a way, she became part of my family. My Dad started dating her mom, Luann, a few years back and Megan and her husband have attended Christmas and 4th of July events with my family. My Dad got close with them, and I know it has been very difficult on him and especially Luann. Megan was such a nice person, such a good person. My mom often asked me what I thought of Luann's kids and I would often respond that I didn't know any of them that well, but Megan was the one that I knew and liked the best. She was always nice to me and I'll remember her as the great person she was.
And overall....
My goal is to continuously learn and improve myself. I want to be a better person than I was yesterday. I want to be smarter and wiser. I've achieved this goal in a rather strange way this year. Throughout the years I've always tried to do what I can so that people would like me and think that overall I was a good person with admirable qualities and traits. I still want to be that way in many ways. I am honest, I am sincere, I'm very raw and I'm very real.
However, in the eyes of some, I'm not a good guy. They don't like me. Some even hate me and I think for once in my life, I"m ok with that. In some ways I think I even embrace and celebrate that. I am who I am and if you love me for it, I'm glad. I probably love you too. If you hate me for it, ok. I'm cool with it.
A part of the reason I've been able to come to peace with this is because of my good friend Jaret Morlan. For the last 3 years or so, Jaret has been a great friend and quite influential to my life. On the journey we call life, we sometimes have the privilege of running into people, who because of their presence, makes our life better. Jaret is one of those people for me. He reminds me a lot of Mr. Gilliland, my high school psychology/sociology/government/economics teacher. He's a great educator, fascinating and intriguing. One of the best guys I know. I have a hard time understanding how anyone could dislike Jaret, but you know what? People do. There are people who don't like him. It makes no sense to me, but it makes sense to them.
And you know what? That's liberating to know that, because if there are people in the world that don't like Jaret Morlan, one of the most likable human beings on the planet, then I guess its ok if they don't like me. It hasn't been easy being disliked simply because I'm an agnostic, or simply because of another reason I define unjustifiable, but if that's why people dislike me, then that's why they dislike me. I don't care anymore. As far as I'm concerned the people I want to like me do and that's what matters.
I'm still not who I want to be. I'm still not what I want to be. I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't look the way I want to look. BUT, I am getting there. I'm closer now to bench pressing 400 lbs than I have ever been. My chest and gut look like Hell, but my arms are looking good. My biceps and triceps look bigger in videos and pictures than they ever have. According to Trent and a few other friends, my writing has improved. Because of UBER, I'm closer to being done with student loans than I have ever been.
My goals for 2016, are to put myself economically into a position to where I can substitute teach and UBER next year. I want to get back into performing, whether it be through the medium of professional wrestling or community theatre. I want to spend more time at the comedy club and hopefully finding more opportunities to share stories. I love story telling. I hope to get out more and make more friends and build stronger friendships with the people I've met in Des Moines. I've let my anxiety, fear and depression get the best of me a lot of times and other times, I simply have been too busy.
I hope 2016 sees me write another novel or two. I hope to be able to attend workshops and maybe even take a few classes to improve my writing. My goal is to read at least 25 books and I hope to surprise myself and to double that number.
The fight is never easy. Life is a challenge and at times even an enemy to conquer. At other times, it is a reward and a friend to embrace.
Thank you 2015, a year in my life.
Here's to 2016, may you be a great year an educational year and a rewarding year!
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